Tuesday, October 18, 2016

I wanted you to know 6 years ago, and today too.


Today is the sixth anniversary of the words I posted below. Today I want you to know that Diabetes isn’t the same in teenagers as it is in children. It isn’t the same in babies as adults. There are seasons to this disease, and where you are now is just that: a season. The worry will change and it will evolve. I want you to know that hard times don’t last forever. I want you to know that everyone experiences the Diabetic Life differently; our emotions ebb and flow differently too, and that’s ok. I want you to know that as hard as it can be, it gets better. I promise. They don’t grow forever. They don’t rebel forever. I want you to know that even though I’m not blogging as much, you’re always on my mind and you’re part of my heart. All the words below seem written forever ago. Some people need to read them today. I want you to know, I’m posting this for you.

There are a few things I want you to know.

I want you to know, when your daughters pump ran out of insulin within the first hour of school last week…I have felt that very same anger and embarrassment that you did.

I want you to know, when your baby wets his bed at night from a high blood sugar…I have felt the same sadness, guilt, and love for my son that you do.

I want you to know, when you forget to bolus your child for dinner, and their bedtime number is 508. I have felt the very same shame and intense regret.

I want you to know, when you take out your daughters set and there is a bleeder, I have felt the same horror and sheer panic that you are experiencing at that same moment.

I want you to know, when your son goes to a friends for a sleep over…I know you have to actively push the worry and anxiety away or you would be camped out in your car outside the house…because I have had to do that too.

I want you to know, when you have had a long night and you see the mountain of bloody test strips and apple juice containers…I have felt that deep sadness you had in your heart. I didn’t want this for my children either.

I want you to know when your child has high blood sugars for DAYS…I know the pure frustration of it all. I know the anger and the helplessness that you are feeling.

I’m tired too. 

I want you to know, when there is an extreme low, and your child is sitting with a blank look in front of you, barely able to speak…I have been there. I have felt the confusion, the panic and the deep worry that you have in your heart.

I want you to know that I stand in the doorway to watch my children breath in the morning too.

I want you to know that I worry about my oldest being diagnosed. I know you worry about your non diabetic children too.

I want you to know that I wonder if my children will hate me one day for all I have put them through. And even though they say they don’t blame me…I still worry about it. I know you do too sometimes.

I want you to know; when your child hasn’t been invited to anyone’s house to play…I know it isn’t fair either. 

I want you to know, when your child put her set in for the first time on her own, and you thought you would burst from pride…I have felt the exhilaration of that pride too.

I don’t recognize myself in the mirror either.

I want you to know, that even though I have been to too many endo appts to count…I still get a stomach ache days before. I want you to know I am hard on myself too.

I want you to know, when your child calls you from school, and asks to eat a “surprise” birthday cupcake, and you say yes…I have held my breath too, hoping I have guessed the carbs correctly.

I want you to know I check my sugar whenever I have to pee twice in a two hour period. I wonder if you do that too?

When I see a person in the store with a pump, I want to run up and talk to that person too. Okay…I want to hug them too.

I want you to know, when your alarm goes off in the middle of the night and you want to throw your alarm clock out the window…I have been there. I have SO felt that.

I want you to know that when I hear of another child diagnosed, I feel anger towards this disease. It brings back too many memories, and makes my heart completely break in half for this newly diagnosed family. I know you feel that way too.

Remember when you walked around like a zombie with dry food on your shirt, and no makeup on for two days? I did that too!

I want you to know, when my child expresses any anger towards this disease, I feel guilty…almost like it is my fault. Even though I know there is nothing I could have done to stop all this…I wish I could take it away too.

I want you to know that I feel conflicted about all of this too. I hate diabetes. I am bizarrely thankful for diabetes. I know it has brought good into our life…but at the same time, diabetes can still suck it.

I want you to know that I secretly wish for a cure too. And even though I tell everyone I don’t expect one…I do.

I want you to know…when you think you can’t go one more day. When you think you can’t check one more sugar, or give one more shot, or tell your child “no” one more time…I have been in that place. I have had days just like that.

I want you to know that I cry in the shower too sometimes. I cry to sad songs on the radio and spend too many days with cry headaches too.

I want you to know that when I read that a child has passed away from Type 1…my breath is taken away too. I want to scream too. I hold my children closer too.

Our pharmacy is a nightmare too.

I want you to know, that the mom at your son’s school...the one who judges everyone and makes you feel awful…she goes to my boys’ school too.

When emotions run high, or low…or upside down...I want you to know I have felt all the craziness too.

I want you to know after the third diagnosis I went through a deep depression for 8 months. But now I’m on the other side of that. If you are depressed, you will come out on the other side too.

I want you to know, that I started this blog for me…and now I want you to know I write it now just as much for you.

Because more than anything, I want you to know that you are not alone.

I want you to know, that even though we are very different, and even though we may not have been friends otherwise…I worry for you. I care about you. I will always support you. 

I want you to know that I will always be here for you.

When you feel alone and like no one understands? I understand. We understand. The Mothers and Fathers and the PWD of the DOC are here for you. 

If you think you are alone on this roller coaster of numbers…please know you are not. Look at that obscenely long blog list I have under the blog buttons. We are there too…puking, screaming, crying, laughing and holding on for dear life. 

We may be so different, but our hearts are the same.

You are a parent of a child with diabetes…and I am too.

7 comments:

  1. YOU are a gift from God. Thank you. So few words, none of them enough to hold how I feel.

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  2. You help so many with your words. Thank you for taking the time to write for all of us.

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  3. Thank you!!! You don't know how much o needed this today! My daughter turned 18 in June and has yet to make a endo appointment. I have tried many different ways to get her to go, but none have worked!! Thank you for always knowing when we need a little hug and a reminder that I'm not alone!!

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  4. You are so real and always know what to say. I am tearing up as I read this. I even took an excerpt and posted it on my facebook page...thank you for knowing what to say and how to say it...kindred spirits we all are... xoxoxo

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  5. Thank you so much. We are new at this and I stand at the door way and watch him breath way too often πŸ˜•

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  6. My 17 was just diagnosed last week and our world feels like it is spiraling out of control. I needed to read this today....to know that my feelings/sadness/anger etc. are justified and normal....and also to know that it will get easier. So thank you.

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