It is no secret that I spend a lot of time at my keyboard. The brightness of the screen is my office space. This corner of the couch is my desk.
Some days I don't want to do anything. I sit here staring at the blinking cursor on my screen and wish I could just curl up in the warmth of my keyboard and take a sabbatical from my life.
But as a mother, I'm not allowed to completely lose myself in the online world for too long, so I look for motivators to get me up and moving.
I think you all know I love the written word. Words are what propel me forward. Words are powerful. So it shouldn't come as much of a surprise to any of you that my keyboard looks like this.
I have a ring that says, "Hope."
I have three bracelets: One that says "Courage." One that says "Expect Miracles." And the last that says "You can do this."
Next to me there is long piece of metal that says, "Faith Hope Love."
In front of me there is a bright red sign that reads, "Keep Calm and Carry on."
There is a plaque on the mantle that says, "When I count my blessings, I count you twice."
There is another plaque by the calendar, "We might not have it all together, but together we have it all."
These are my reminders.
Reminders that I am blessed and need to keep moving. That I CAN keep moving. I read them every day. I have to pump myself up EVERY day. Each morning a new process of believing in myself begins.
Which leads me to today. This very moment, actually. I promised myself I'd head over to the college today to talk about programs that might work for me.
Hibernation sounds really appealing right now.
I don't know why I'm so emotional about this. Taking this step seems easy enough...but there is a wall.
I think the wall is fear.
Riding home from bringing the boys to school I listened to that song that, in our area anyway, plays over and over and over again...but on this day the lyrics continue to echo in my ears...
"Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try."
I knew I needed to write those words down and actually LOOK at them.
And now that I have, I'm going to get up. I'm going to go rekindle my relationship with the treadmill. And then I will shower and I will drive over to the college and I will walk into the door and I will ask for help.
Man, I'm such a baby. Why are the tears so flipping relentless?
I don't think the fear stems from the actual act of going to the college. I think it is the act of walking towards a new life, and away from the old one.
Thinking about that burns.
But I'm not going to die.
So after I publish this....I'm going to get up and try.