I'm trying hard not to be selfish, and remember that Ryan is in an miraculous place.
I'm trying hard to remember he deserves this rest.
I'm trying hard to remember he is happy, busy, and closer than we think.
But my emotions get in the way. I want him physically here with me. I know that is just part of the process, but it doesn't change the fact that my soul feels ripped in half. I want him here. <--- insert tantrum.
It's been a daily struggle as I try to remember he is in paradise. My soul feels as though it is recovering from surgery, and now it seems I'm just watching a giant scar of missed opportunities form. This last week has been the hardest for me emotionally. I'm trying to sort through all the feelings and finding that I'm landing short on any kind of organization at all. My emotions are like a teenagers bedroom...everything strewn all over. I never know what emotion I'm going to pick up, or even why.
But last night my soul was soothed...if only for a few minutes.
It was quiet, it was peaceful, and it was amazing.
I had an appointment just north of town. As I began my drive I immediately saw the brilliant sunset. It was an especially hot day, and the sunset was especially breathtaking.
As I entered the freeway I had this inexplicable feeling of awe and peace. The sky painted with streaks of orange, red, yellow...and purple? Yes, purple! The thin clouds luminescent as the backdrop unfolded before me. What word describes it? Astounding, maybe?
The freeway has just been repaved and I felt as if I was floating, taking in the amazing scene.
And then it hit me.
This awe, and peace I was feeling? This sense of complete surrender to gods beauty? I was being afforded only a small taste of what Ryan gets to experience every day. As the more brilliant parts of the sunset moved to my left I kept my eye on it as long as I could. Mouth agape, my body weightless...I tried to put my finger on the gravity of the moment.
And then the peace surged into excitement. It took me a couple minutes to realize, I was excited for him. In that moment I knew he was living, and thriving. In that moment I knew he was with his grandfather, and all his family...and I knew he had the benefit of the bigger picture...and he wanted me to have it too.
Ryan always loved an adventure.
I'm overwhelmingly blessed to know he is experiencing his greatest adventure yet.
I won't ever stop missing him...but when I miss him most, I'll remember the 10 minutes I was granted a glimpse of his life, and know that when my journey is through I will be able to stand beside him and tell him I always tried hard to be happy for him.
He deserves this time.
It doesn't make everything ok. But it makes it better. And better soothes the scar, and fades it just enough to make a difference.