Sunday, August 19, 2012

I believe.


I'm human.

And I believe in God.

Both.

It's not easy being human AND believing in God. 

It takes a lot of guts to believe in God these days.  A lot of faith too.

Ryan's diagnosis has been the hardest test of my faith yet.  And that's saying a lot.

It's been almost 6 months since we were told the news and last week had to be the hardest seven days yet.  When we found out Ryan's "miracle" med wasn't working anymore the doctor sent us to UCSF to see if Ryan could get into a trial.  Turns out there are four different trials that would work for Ryan, but all are contingent on Tuesday's brain scan showing no growth in any of Ryan's tumors. 

That would take a miracle.

If there is growth there would be only one more med that is FDA approved that we could try.  It works for 20% of the patients, and isn't very effective when the patient is on steroids. 

Ryan is on steroids to keep the swelling down around the tumors in his brain.  Remember when he was diagnosed and there were only 6?  Well, there are a lot more now. 

We tried to continue weaning Ryan off the steroids last week.  That led to dizziness, headaches, vomiting and some loss of hearing in his right ear. 

So yeah, last week sucked.

Last week my faith was tested tenfold.  Nothing LOOKS like it is going in our favor.  The medicine we need to cure Ryan seems to be out of our reach.  I won't lie....I got angry.  I'm human after all.  I lost hope for a day and wondered if I was an idiot walking around with so much hope for the last 6 months.  I questioned every answered prayer.  I questioned all of it.

And then at the end of that awful day, I prayed.  Hard and true. 

I asked for my hope back.  I asked for peace and knowledge.  I asked that we would be led to the medicine that would provide our miracle.   I told him I know I shouldn't  ask for a sign, but I needed something to hold onto. 

And the next morning my answer came in the form of two Jehovah Witnesses knocking on my door.  When I saw them I immediately rolled my eyes...why didn't I look out my peep hole!! 

But the young girl said, "I've come to talk to you about miracles."

And I said, "Ok."

And as she spoke to me you could see how shocked she was that I kept listening.  She would stop after every sentence and look up at me for permission to keep going.  I would nod and she would continue.  She told me that many people believe miracles come from medicine and science...but really miracles come from God.  Everything she told me I already knew.  But it was just what I needed to be reminded of...it brought back the perspective I needed to move past the fear.

She quoted Luke chapter 4, verse 40.

"Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them."

When she was finished I closed my door and walked straight over to Ryan. 

"Miracles come from God," I said.

"I know."  He says.

"I know too, " I said, "but I forgot.  I've been so focused on our med options, I need to keep my mind on the bigger picture."

I tossed the pamphlets on the counter and  I walked out to the mailbox.

 Inside was a package from Hallie.  It contained the bracelet pictured below with a note saying she saw this and knew I MUST have it.

I want to apologize for the religious post.  I want to...but really, I'm not sorry.  I am a religious woman.  I believe that those sweet young girls were prompted to knock on my door to send me a message.  And I believe Hallie was prompted to buy me that bracelet.

I believe my prayer was answered.  Am I an idiot to believe in our miracle?  Maybe.  Some of our doctors might believe I am. 

But I believe anyway.   100%.

I believe in God and I believe in our miracle.  My other option is not to believe, and that is just completely unfathomable. 

He knows our family.  He knows our needs, and He hears our prayers.  I know that He loves Ryan, and my boys, and me.

I know it.

It isn't easy being human and believing in God.  Some of you are reading this and think I'm insane, I am sure.  And that's ok.  Because we get to make our own choices in life.  I've chosen God.  All my hope for a better day comes from Him and His mercy.

I'm all in.  That's what it all comes down to.

I believe God can make a way when there seems to be no way.

And as hard as the next few months are going to be...I'm going to cling to that faith.

One day at a time.  One prayer at a time.

I believe.


36 comments:

  1. I Love you and your family and I will always lift you up to our Father in heaven. I pray He keeps your heat even on the hardest days. I pray for many miracles and that you get to see His hand everyday. I pray that Ryan is healed on this side of Glory, and That God is glorified through this. I pray for strength and healing. I pray for love and wisdom. I pray for protection and peace. I love you and thank God for your family, this blog, and His providence....

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayer! <3 Love you back!

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  2. Meri, I continue to pray for you and your family and for a complete healing for Ryan here on earth. Your feelings are understandable and God knows your heart. Do not apologize for a religious post! This is your blog and you are free to vent all your thoughts and feelings all you want! Thinking of you and all your boys.

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    1. Thank you! I know it is my blog, but I feel like it is everyone's blog too. A safe place for everyone to come and feel "same." I don't want someone to feel like they can't come here because we don't believe the same things...but at the same time I have to get it all out. I am who I am. And right now everything I am is wrapped up in my faith, and my hope. Thanks for hanging around and always being a great friend! <3

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  3. Love this post and I love you! We'll be there tomorrow... I need to call you. Can't wait to see you and your sweet family.

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  4. Meri, your family is always in my prayers. <3

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    1. Thank you, Shannon! They lift us up! <3

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  5. Meri, you are so strong and amazing, even when you probably don't feel either, we can read it in your words. Vent away, it keeps your mind and heart healthy to get those feelings out. I'm praying for you.

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    1. Thank you, Michelle! I'm always afraid my readers are saying, "There goes Meri again...blah blah blah-ing it!" But it HELPS me. You all help me! <3

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  6. Thank you for the reminder that God listens to our prayers.... Our family will put your family's name on the Temple prayer roll in San Diego.. We will also fast for your family. I don't know you... but I know you are a kindred spirit and need all the help you can get! Keep on having Faith and BELIVING in MIRACLES!!!!

    Love,

    Sarah Clawson

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    1. I don't know you, but I love you! Ha...does that date me? Thank you for the beautiful gestures and prayers. I KNOW they make all the difference! <3

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  7. God Bless ... That post was so beautifully written ... Please know your family is always in our prayers

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    1. Thank you! Your prayers mean the world to us!

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  8. I'm trying to find the right words, but can't seem to type them...and so I'm here in silence alongside you...holding onto hope.

    Much love to all of you...always.

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    1. Just knowing you are there, always...that is all I need. Thanks, Wendy! <3

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  9. Yep, having faith can seem insane sometimes, but it's that insane faith that keeps us going! I know God will continue to give you the peace and strength and guidance you need. Sending love and hugs and prayers!!

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    1. It is the only thing keeping me going right now. I'm thankful for being insane! Thanks for the prayers, love and hugs, friend!

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  10. Meri - can't find the right thing to say either. Thinking of and praying for you and Ryan and the boys every day. I believe too. In miracles. And in hope. Hugs, my lovely. I wish with all my heart I could be there as a friend to talk to and support you. Thats insane, right? x

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    1. Not insane, brilliant! I wish I could hug all my friends that live in my computer!

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  11. Such a privilege to know you at all! Thank you for having the courage to speak such beautiful truths. Love to you and your sweet family!

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    1. Thank you Janae! So much fun to get to know you!

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  12. And sometimes the miracles don't look the way we expect (or want) them to look. Sending you prayers for hope and continued faith, because God does love you and your family so very, very much.

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    1. I am always mindful of that too. I don't know how this is all going to play out, but I do feel like it will all be alright in the end. I really do. Thank you for the prayers! <3

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  13. you have such incredible faith, thank you for sharing it with us...especially at a time when mine is so lacking. ((HUGS))

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    1. Thank you for listening to me babble on. I think you probably have more faith than you give yourself credit for. <3

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  14. ahhh. reminds me of a scripture - faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen. you dont have to see a drop of rain yet for your flood to be coming xx.

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  15. I love that scripture. Amen!

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  16. How about this one. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

    Jesus himself was standing in front of the father of sick child. The dad asks Jesus to help his child "if he can". If it was difficult for someone standing right in front of the ultimate healer to believe, I think God might understand why we struggle with it sometimes too.

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  17. Thank you for this reminder. I need him to understand right now. I need him period. It is so hard to let go of the fear. I think Mark 9:24 will be the words of my prayer tonight.

    I believe! I really do. I just wish my resolve would endure every minute of every day!

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    1. You and Ryan are in our prayers every day, Meri. We love you.

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  18. Meri, I believe with you. It can be amazing to see God's hand in our lives. If we had to reason it out, it'd be impossible. But He makes the impossible possible. And this is where you write what you want, don't ever apologize. We come here because we love you just the way you are.
    We pray right along with you, and can't wait to see what God has in store for you. Maybe he's using your faith to grow others' faith. Just wait to see it play out. I know the daily grind can't be easy, but one minute at a time, one hour at a time. Just breathe. Love you!
    ps-I heard 50 Cent on Oprah xm, and he said, "You can pray or worry, but not both." Good advice.

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