And I believe in God.
It's not easy being human AND believing in God.
It takes a lot of guts to believe in God these days. A lot of faith too.
Ryan's diagnosis has been the hardest test of my faith yet. And that's saying a lot.
It's been almost 6 months since we were told the news and last week had to be the hardest seven days yet. When we found out Ryan's "miracle" med wasn't working anymore the doctor sent us to UCSF to see if Ryan could get into a trial. Turns out there are four different trials that would work for Ryan, but all are contingent on Tuesday's brain scan showing no growth in any of Ryan's tumors.
That would take a miracle.
If there is growth there would be only one more med that is FDA approved that we could try. It works for 20% of the patients, and isn't very effective when the patient is on steroids.
Ryan is on steroids to keep the swelling down around the tumors in his brain. Remember when he was diagnosed and there were only 6? Well, there are a lot more now.
We tried to continue weaning Ryan off the steroids last week. That led to dizziness, headaches, vomiting and some loss of hearing in his right ear.
So yeah, last week sucked.
Last week my faith was tested tenfold. Nothing LOOKS like it is going in our favor. The medicine we need to cure Ryan seems to be out of our reach. I won't lie....I got angry. I'm human after all. I lost hope for a day and wondered if I was an idiot walking around with so much hope for the last 6 months. I questioned every answered prayer. I questioned all of it.
And then at the end of that awful day, I prayed. Hard and true.
I asked for my hope back. I asked for peace and knowledge. I asked that we would be led to the medicine that would provide our miracle. I told him I know I shouldn't ask for a sign, but I needed something to hold onto.
And the next morning my answer came in the form of two Jehovah Witnesses knocking on my door. When I saw them I immediately rolled my eyes...why didn't I look out my peep hole!!
But the young girl said, "I've come to talk to you about miracles."
And I said, "Ok."
And as she spoke to me you could see how shocked she was that I kept listening. She would stop after every sentence and look up at me for permission to keep going. I would nod and she would continue. She told me that many people believe miracles come from medicine and science...but really miracles come from God. Everything she told me I already knew. But it was just what I needed to be reminded of...it brought back the perspective I needed to move past the fear.
She quoted Luke chapter 4, verse 40.
"Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them."
When she was finished I closed my door and walked straight over to Ryan.
"Miracles come from God," I said.
"I know." He says.
"I know too, " I said, "but I forgot. I've been so focused on our med options, I need to keep my mind on the bigger picture."
I tossed the pamphlets on the counter and I walked out to the mailbox.
Inside was a package from Hallie. It contained the bracelet pictured below with a note saying she saw this and knew I MUST have it.
I believe my prayer was answered. Am I an idiot to believe in our miracle? Maybe. Some of our doctors might believe I am.
But I believe anyway. 100%.
I believe in God and I believe in our miracle. My other option is not to believe, and that is just completely unfathomable.
He knows our family. He knows our needs, and He hears our prayers. I know that He loves Ryan, and my boys, and me.
I know it.
It isn't easy being human and believing in God. Some of you are reading this and think I'm insane, I am sure. And that's ok. Because we get to make our own choices in life. I've chosen God. All my hope for a better day comes from Him and His mercy.
I'm all in. That's what it all comes down to.
I believe God can make a way when there seems to be no way.
And as hard as the next few months are going to be...I'm going to cling to that faith.
One day at a time. One prayer at a time.