The other day someone at church asked me how I was doing. (I get a lot of that lately...I'm sure you can imagine.) But as I opened up my mouth to answer his question, I was shocked to hear the following words fall out of my mouth...
"I'm all in."
He looked at me for a moment, brows furrowed, trying to figure out what I said. I returned the look, pausing to figure it all out myself...
"With my faith that is. I'm all in. I've laid it all down at His feet...I trust that He'll take care of us."
And I do.
And I'm functioning.
How am I not certifiably insane?
My head is immersed in the fog of uncertainty. Sometimes, at the end of the day I look back and wonder how I got through it.
And now I think I know...
It is because I am all in.
Going all in has allowed me to cope with all of this in a way that I never thought I could.
Ryan was in the emergency room this morning. I won't go into the details, but needless to say it was a setback. Once I let the tears out there was no stopping them.
All. Day. Long.
But deep down...seriously...deep down at the bottom of this lake of tears I've cried...there is a peace.
Cancer fog can be so maddening. Diabetes fog can be so maddening. Hormone imbalance fog can be so maddening. The world’s fog can be so maddening.
Maybe in a weird way I am certifiably mad, as in Mad Hatter mad…
But more important than that…right now…I am certifiably coping.
And that is a miracle I cannot deny.
It's all or nothing. I'm pushing in my chips. I'm getting up from the table.
As much as it terrifies me to think we might lose...I feel confident that our needs are known.
No good questioning things now. I have faith or I don't.
Am I scared? You bet your sweet bahookie I am.
But I'm banking on my faith. Banking that my faith will always exceed my fear.
I'm all in.