Do I care too much?
Am I weird? (Wait, don't answer that...)
When I see a child suffer, a little piece of me dies. I wonder how others can just shut it off. Block out the sadness, the helplessness...the caring.
Those that work in the medical field...I know they see it every day. I know that they see suffering, and in order to cope they need to look at things logically rather than emotionally.
But there is a fine line between professional courtesy and blatant don't-give-a-damn.
When B was at the doctor on Monday he was suffering. He was shivering. He was moaning. He was spitting in a cup because he wouldn't swallow. His throat pain was unbearable...you could see the suffering all over his face. Heck, you could see it all over his body.
I am not one to take my kids to the emergency room willy nilly. I've handled the worst of sick days on my own. But on Monday...that day...while sitting in that waiting room, I contemplated bringing him.
I just couldn't handle SEEING him like that.
I'm pretty sure I would welcome being thrown into a pit of wild honey badgers, rather than seeing my child suffer like that.
Yes. Really sure.
And as we waited for the pediatrician for almost an hour...my swelly brain almost burst from my skull. When I checked in they said it would be no more than 5 minutes. But an HOUR later? He was huddled into the crook of my elbow...tears in his eyes...whimpering.
Fully 6 nurses were standing around. Eating their snacks. Telling their jokes. Bringing other patients back. They all glanced over with no concern or wonder whatsoever.
Patients went in and out. We sat alone in the waiting room most of the time.
Don't you think if you were a nurse, and you saw a child obviously in SO much pain, you would have tried to comfort him, or at the very least his mother who is crying next to him?
I finally asked what the what, and they said, "OH! I think the nurse is here now...we'll get you in."
Too late. B was running to the bathroom, throwing up.
We came out of the bathroom, both of us a mess of tears.
Did they apologize for taking so long?
Did they say, "I'm so sorry B, I know you are miserable, we'll do everything we can to help."
All it would have took to make me feel better earlier was, "I'm sorry...we are still waiting for the nurse. We'll get you in as soon as she gets here." Maybe an explanation why the other nurses couldn't help him?
Any word would have helped. Just some kind of confirmation that they SAW us!
It was confirmed 100% in a two second check that he had strep.
And then we were sent to the pharmacy.
We waited an hour in the pharmacy. Replay the exact same scene above. Throwing up and all.
Did the doctor not send our prescription over? Were they too busy? We watched the pharmacy fill and empty a full four times over. Were we invisible??
When I went up twice to ask, all the guy at the counter did is fill out a piece of paper and ask me to sit down, he would call me.
But he never did.
When I went up again, 1 hour and 15 minutes later, he found B's prescription just sitting there.
He grabbed the bag, rung it up and said, "$14.35."
No, "I'm sorry it took so long."
Two words...I'm sorry. That is all it would have taken to make me feel better.
But not even one word...
Not one word of apology.
Because they suck all the time?
Because apologizing to me would be them admitting they failed?
I'm scared it is because they just didn't care.
Am I crazy?
Is this what the world has come to? Have the true crazies ruined it for everyone...so half way normal people like me get no empathy?
Do I just care to much?
Maybe...maybe I do. How the good Lord made me a parent to three T1's is beyond me. I cannot STAND to watch my children, or other children suffer. I can't cope with it. There has to be a reason I'm the mother to these children.
In a world where ambivalence rules and compassion is a lost art, I have to wonder if I received my calling as a D Mother to see the needs of others clearer.
And if that IS the case...I hope I do not waste this gift.
I hope to have the courage to put my hand on the shoulder of one in need, or to be a listening ear to those whose soul is heartbroken.
I hope to look past the hard shell of those that have put up walls after years of trials and aloneness.
I hope I will be one to step up.
I hope I won't take the easy road, and just look the other way.
Because if I...someone who sees suffering so clearly, give up to complacency...it would seem that all I have experienced has been for naught.
Every human being deserves a bit of understanding.
I have the capacity to care...we all do.
It is up to all of us to exercise it.
Even those in the medical profession.
(Wait! Where did this soapbox come from?)