Thursday, January 3, 2013

We grew old together.


I posted a link to my last blog post on Facebook and my sister commented, "Dude, your year sucked!"  God bless her.  I had to laugh...I love my sister so much, and she is probably the only person in the world who could have wrote that and made me smile instead of cringe.

But as I thought about those words, and how true they surely must be, I can't find it anywhere in me to agree with them.

I honestly can't say that last year sucked.

And here is why:  For most of last year, I had Ryan here with me.

Looking back I don't see pain and heartache all year.  Yes, it is true that the last three months of the year sucked, but before that I see Ryan and me, side by side...and nothing sucked about that at all.

In fact, we endeavored to do what we had wanted to do from the beginning: We were able to grow old together.

Ryan's diagnosis made us slow down.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Physically, right off the bat, Ryan didn't have the energy he used to.  He was tired all the time, and since we were connected in so many ways...I slowed down too.

He only had the energy to go see his customers for a few hours in the morning, so he was usually home before noon.  We would have lunch together every day.  It felt like he was retired.

We were able to gain a perspective that is generally only afforded to those that are later on in years.  We saw what was important, and we saw the beauty in the world through the glasses of thankfulness.

I remember Ryan's friend Jason flew in to visit us, about a month before Ryan passed.  He rented a mustang convertible and he picked us up for lunch.  Ryan and I greeted him at the door, pasty and pudgy, like the retired couple we were, and we visited awhile before departing.  We uncomfortably got into the sports car and headed to the restaurant.  It was a hot day...and Ryan and I looked at each other, feeling so completely out of place.  Despite the 90 degree temperatures, we both wore sweaters and sunscreen...and hats.  Honestly, it felt like we were 80 year olds.  We had slowed down so much that when Jason asked us what we wanted to do afterwards...what adventure, what trouble could we get into, Ryan and I said we just wanted to go home and sit.

I look back on that day and it's hard to wrap my head around it.  Today I would say, let's go to the city!  Let's go to the beach!  Let's have an adventure!  In fact, if it was just a month before Ryan's diagnosis, we both would have been ready to party.

But last summer it was like we were stuck in slow motion.  And all the thoughtful nuances that come with old age, came to us.  Seriously, if we had rocking chairs out on the front stoop, we would have been rocking in them looking at the sky for hours and hours every night.   We appreciated everything.  In fact, here is a text exchange between Ryan and I two weeks before he passed:

Losing Ryan sucked.

Yes.

But last year I had him.  Last year his hand was in mine.  Last year we experienced something magical.  Amongst all the chaos that cancer brought to the table...we were able to find peace and hope in every hour.   We appreciated the little things, the small moments that generally wash by you like a quick breeze.  We found a deeper and more profound love for life, and in doing so, we felt older and wiser.

We grew old together.

Slowly, the last couple months, the hands of time have drawn backwards, and I'm feeling younger than I have in years.  I have energy, the extra pounds are dropping and there is pink in my cheeks once again.  I'm ready for adventures again.  I feel like Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  Even though I'll be 40 next week I feel like I'm growing young.

So sorry sis, no year sucked that had Ryan in it.  There is a reverence to 2012 that will stay with me forever.  I am thankful for every minute, every second I had with him.

2013?  Now that remains to be seen.  I'm not even going to venture a guess on how it's going to go.


But I'm hopeful it won't completely suck. 

24 comments:

  1. As always, the way that you squeeze sunshine out of what could easily be a very negative place is amazing. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. We love you so much and we all will try our hardest to MAKE DAMN sure your 2013 DOES NOT SUCK!! Wonderful post, wonderful you and of course wonderful Ryan <3

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  3. Just an amazing way of seeing life.

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  4. I want to be just like you when I grow up. :) Muah!

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  5. Love the post as its definitely a much better way to look at last year but two things; 1. Ryan didn't want me to rent the corvette because he was worried about squeezing into that so I got the convertible figuring it would be fun, and easy to get into with the top down, and 2. It wasn't like being with two 80 year olds, more like 8 year olds as we had to go out for ice cream after lunch then home for naptime! Lol, I wouldnt have traded any.of it for the.world, my only wish would have been to stay longer that weekend. There was never a time during my 25 year friendship with Ryan that we didn't find some way to have fun, laugh, and enjoy everything we could out of life, big or small. It was just who Ryan was, and I too loved him for it. Thank you Meri for making his life as amazingly special as only you could, and for sharing your thoughts and views in the way that you do, as it makes all of us take a moment to stop and appreciate things, big and small.

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  6. This is, perhaps, one of the most beautiful things I've ever read.

    I love you, my friend.

    And it's been an honor to share your story.

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  7. I am unsure if you have any idea how much you inspire me every single day. I know we don't "talk" much, but I know that whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself, or depressed, or in a bad mood, I can always think to myself "How would Meri deal with this?" and immediately I'm turned around. Though we've never met face to face, you bless me so much. Thank you.

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  8. I love this, and you. You're beautiful.

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  9. This = amazingly beautiful - Just like you. Love you.

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  10. Know what? No year with YOU in it could suck either!

    We had a year that many would also say sucked. And parts did! But I get it. I can't say the whole year sucked because there is still so much good about it. And I'm just thankful for what we do have that I can't be bitter about the trials we've gone through.

    Here's to 2013! A year full of wonderful!

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  11. I smile whenever I think of you and Ryan. And like others, I'm so glad I know you.
    And that Jason guy is a good friend!

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  12. Love you, Meri. Thank you for writing this. It is truly beautiful. God bless you and the boys.

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  13. Well, it can't completely suck if you're getting younger instead of older.

    I loved that post, and I love how even when it seems impossible, God does give us the desires of our heart. What a blessing to have those special months with Ryan.

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  14. I love the fact that you appreciated the reality of the treasure you had, for as long as you had him. Every single day is a gift for all of us, and I'm glad you had the wisdom to know that and enjoy it! :-)

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  15. Sometimes I read your posts and tell myself "Aw man, that sucks." And sometimes I read your posts and tell myself "Man, you must be the luckiest person on earth!" I guess it's all about how you look at life...and how you live it.

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  16. Love! I second Allison. I want to be just like you when I grow up!

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  17. 2013 is not going to suck at all with your gorgeous frame of mind around it!

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  18. You find the silver lining around every cloud! Love this post!

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  19. Wow! You never stop amazing me. I only hope that your fabulous way of looking at life will rub off on me. Plus, also, I wouldn't mind growing young with you :) Sending you Crazy Love!

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  20. Love your perspective and Jason's comment above! LOL!

    2013 might have some sucky parts but I bet you are going to look back at the end of the year and decide it was pretty awesome!

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  21. Meri--this is so beautiful. As a newlywed, I hope my husband and I will share a love this strong as the years go by. Good luck in 2013!

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  22. your beautiful perspective brought tears to my eyes. thank you for sharing. <3

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