I watched September 2nd crawl nearer to me on the calendar every day last week. It was a relief each day to know it wasn’t here yet, and then yesterday morning, it came.
And because I’m a complicated, emotional being…my feelings were complicated. I sat in a plateau of my emotions, trying hard not to go to one extreme or the other. Staying in a safe place while I figured out a way through the day.
And then I went to church and found out that what I thought was complicated, wasn’t complicated at all.
I am blessed.
My prayers have been heard.
Gratitude for my life, my family, and my friends is currently overflowing.
Ryan is gone, but…Ryan is absolutely not gone.
He lives, and he has made sure his family is taken care of in every way.
Miracles exist. And even though they aren’t the miracles we once would have hoped for, they are miracles nonetheless.
It is a miracle that I’m in Indiana.
It is a miracle that I’m married to Doug.
It is a miracle that our families are not like oil and water. We are simply one. It’s a new concoction, but no less miraculous.
I’ve been through moments in the past few years where I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to handle my new life, and so much change. I questioned my abilities over and over again, and had moments where I wished I could dissolve into the wind.
But when I wished such things, I would be encircled by love and encouragement.
There is no other man on this earth that could have walked by my side the past few years while I ventured to figure out my place in this world. There is no other man with the patience, and heart to guide me and lift me up over and over again.
My husband Doug was chosen for me, and I promise to never take that for granted.
It’s surreal that it’s been six years since we lost Ryan.
It is so separate from my life now. Like that was Book One. And now I’m on Book Two.
Though I treasure that Book One. It is a part of me. Every chapter built me into who I am, and I’m immensely thankful for the memories of a man that is woven into every page.
But now, new pages.
And even more exciting, future chapters.
A future I would have never imagined for myself, but was lovingly gifted to me regardless.
All those moments I was ready to give up, I can look back on now...and breathe in the gratefulness of new days...
And marvel at the strength it has given me, and my marriage.
It's September 3rd.
Another year has passed.
That in itself proves another miracle.