Diabetes doesn’t care.
So Diabetes isn’t a priority.
I can’t worry about numbers.
I can’t worry about what ifs.
I need to worry about feeding the boys.
I need to worry about the next big exam at school.
My relationships with real people take priority over Diabetes right now.
Diabetes doesn’t care.
Diabetes marches on. March, march, march…it circles my life, steady and unending.
And every now and then I see it and say, “Huh. Hi, Diabetes. I don’t have time to worry about you.”
Even without all of my attention, it marches. Which is beyond me. Doesn’t my worry give Diabetes fuel?
It’s almost absurd that it doesn’t need my worry to continue.
Epiphany: My worry doesn’t change things. It doesn’t change the numbers.
Doing. Doing changes things. Doing changes the numbers.
All the emotion I used to give Diabetes has been redirected.
The boys lead the march and I sit as a casual observer. With their Endocrinologist appointment coming up in a couple weeks, that scares me.
(I said I’m busy, not brain dead.)
Bad number? Fix it.
Why are you two boys numbers jumping at 10pm every night? Sorry, I can’t tell you, and I don’t have any brain capacity whatsoever to figure it out.
I cannot put my energy into it. I cannot give it my regret or my anger or my worry or my anything. It’s not in me right now.
Almost like life is a big game of Jenga, and diabetes is that lone wooden beam at the very bottom. The one beam that everything else balances on. I feel like if I try to fix the numbers, or put my energy into them…then the beam will move and everything else will topple over.
I just want to leave it alone.
I can’t handle toppling.
If I don’t touch it, everything will be good enough.
Am I a failure if everything is good enough?
I’m sorry. I don’t have time to think about that right now.
Diabetes will have to wait.
But it doesn’t care.
And life, and everyone important to me naturally follows the beat of its drum.
I will bounce my head to the beat and try to make something beautiful out of it...
And hope that this letting go is the natural order of things rather than just pure stupidity on my part.
(Plot twist: Just in case I am stupid, I walked away from this post and changed B's sensitivity from 3pm to midnight. I'll spend the rest of my evening bracing for the avalanche. Because even though sometimes D Moms can't think about it, we do anyway.)