I realized. Just now.
Part of making myself miserable is the constant effort I put into finding a connection with Ryan.
I spend my days knocking on heaven’s door waiting for word that Ryan hears me, loves me, is watching me, is near me.
I crave that tingling feeling I get when I know he’s next to me. The connection I yearn for is like a vice on my heart. It hurts, but turning its handle is the impetus to its beating. I want nothing more, in every moment, than to feel Ryan…
And when I go long periods without feeling him, well, I drown in my own sorrow and low self esteem. If I don’t feel him, I blame myself. I worry that he has moved on to bigger and better things and has found more beautiful things to love other than me. I feel completely inadequate in my testimony, and question myself in everything I do.
Insert: Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton.
And I realize, maybe…that isn’t a healthy way to live.
How can I live a life on Earth, when I have my heart beating in heaven? It’s just impossible.
So the question arises: How do I remember, honor, love, adore my husband…without obsessing about him?
Can I do something like that without feeling guilt? Without feeling selfishness? Without feeling like I’m cutting our ties?
Can I do something like that and still feel happy? Ryan is my happy…he has always been. How can I turn to something else for that happy? It just seems impossible. Maybe even a little wrong?
But I realize I have to shift this perspective or I’ll never be able to move forward. Having one foot in heaven makes me limp my path here on Earth. And this change that my soul is screaming for isn’t going to happen if I obsess about the past.
And I am obsessed.
It’s time to find a way to walk ahead. So the first step I will take is taking off Ryan’s ring around my neck. After Ryan passed and I spent my time alone with Ryan’s body, two men came in and told me they were ready to take him away. They told me to take off all his jewelry...all he was wearing was his wedding ring. I took it off and put it on my necklace and haven’t taken it off since. Sliding my finger into the ring and rubbing the silky metal has soothed me countless times. It is always warm, like Ryan was. Maybe because it sits against my skin, but I like to think it’s because its an extension of him.
It’s time to take it off. I ordered an infinity symbol necklace from Etsy. I’ll know what it means, and the world won’t be able to see my heart so obviously on my sleeve.
I have no clue what the next step will look like, but I now know I need to make it no matter what the feelings look like that come along with it. I have to take that step for me, for the boys, for the good of my health…physically and mentally.
Deep down I know Ryan wants that. I know Ryan knows that I’ll always wish I were in his arms rather than here…
Letting go without letting go?
Good luck with that, Meri.
Insert: Dream On by Aerosmith.
Update: Now that it’s been a good 12 hours since I’ve written this, I’ve been bombarded with what can only be described as love messages from Ryan. Which confuses me all the more. Was the key to tuning into him, not trying so hard to do so? Is it affirmation that he stands with me as I move forward? I’ve in all honesty felt his love envelope me since I wrote the last sentence above. I admit I’m confused, but at the same time feel as though whatever decision I make, wherever I go, whatever I do…he’s ok with it. I feel supported, and loved.
And I suppose, if I really think about it…there is nothing confusing about that.