Funny thing life.
It goes on.
For obvious reasons, I feel like my world is a bit off its axis at the moment, and as a result the worry of a new school year has actually been a welcome distraction.
Don't get me wrong, I've had my obligatory "I'm going to vomit from all the unknowns" D Mom moments...but taking the attention off me and my grief, and putting it towards the boys has been freeing.
Now that we are past the night before school nervous sky high blood sugars, their numbers have been quite, perfect?
Yeah. Perfect. (Yes, diabetes. I'm saying it. Jinx me if you want to, you can suck it.) Their numbers were high a couple weeks before the first day of school, but my experience told me to stay the course and not make any basal changes. I knew once they got out on that playground, and out on the track...all bets were off. My gamble paid off, and I'm relieved beyond words.
Although the paperwork and the homework already has my brain boiling over. (Which isn't a metaphor. I'm pretty sure I saw smoke coming out of my ears last night.)
The dentist I work for was out of the office for over a month for medical reasons, he is back now, easing himself back into work. Everything is slowly finding its pace again. It seems downtime and grief are a dangerous cocktail for me. I need to be busy, even if all I want to do is sleep.
Part of my coping mechanism has been decluttering. I guess you can call it "grief cleaning." I took a good 5 bags of clothes out of my closet and began shredding years of documents that have piled up around here. I still have a ways to go with all the filing and paper work, but I feel like I've lost 500lbs. Less clutter means a happier me, and I have to wonder why I didn't do it eons ago?
I also cut my hair short, and bought new towels for the bathroom. I'm in desperate need for SOMETHING to change. Because emotionally, I'm feeling right back where I was a year ago.
I know realistically, I need to get through this weekend before I know what's what.
Until then, I'm holding on to my faith and my hope like never before. Church is the only place that brings me any solace these days. I realize if I'm going to heal at all, or change even a little bit...it will only come from leaning into the plan my Heavenly Father has for me. I believe there is a path in front of me I'm meant to walk. What scares me is not being able to see what's at the end of that path, or even the fact that I don't know if I'm taking the right one, really. I suppose I just need the courage to take that first step.
::THIS JUST IN:: I just wrote that last line and an email notification popped up on my computer. It was a reader sending me the song below.
You should know: I don't believe in coincidences.