Thursday, March 14, 2013

Strings attached.


(I'm aware this blog post is very similar to the last blog post I wrote one week ago.  It's where I'm at. I've been seriously itching to write all week long, so I sat down and this is what came out.  It is what it is I suppose.  I'm sure I won't be this pathetic forever.  Really, pretty sure.)
I feel like a marionette.  I clumsily walk through my day with a goofy look on my face hoping that no one notices my heart isn't in it.

I take big steps planning to cover a lot of ground when really my life is playing out on a confined stage with an audience that is rightfully absorbed in their own drama.

Sometimes I pause and look around me.  I wonder if anyone can see the panic in my heart.  The tears that sit in the corner of my eyes.  I wonder if my gestures are so grand they give me away.

With grief, there's always strings attached.  My limbs are a slave to my feelings.

But the show must go on, and while my brain sits on autopilot, just trying not to tie myself up in knots...my body moves.  Part of the world, but separated by what I know.

I know what a gift happiness is.  I know when you lose it, you lose a big part of yourself.

I know that some people survive disease and some do not.  I know that hearts can break in half and your body will still move.

One foot in front of the other.

One long day after another.

And I wait for a change.  Some kind of change in myself that will help me to see my blessings clearer. 

"Life is what you make of it."

"It's up to you how you deal with life's challenges.  You can let them build you up or tear you down."

All these wise words mean nothing when you are suffering.

Being half of a whole for 20 years, and now losing that wholeness...

It can seem so hopeless at times.

This process of making me a stronger person is terrifyingly long, as I'm just at the beginning of this seemingly endless road.  I'm only six months in and I'm wishing the hurt would ebb.  Yet it flows like a mighty river into a mighty ocean...no beginning...and what seems like no end.

I know this is part of "the" process.  I know I'm following a pattern set long ago by widows before me.

There is comfort in that.

Until I find my happy again, I'll take my wide clumsy steps throughout the day and try to make the kids smile.

And in the process, search for a place in my heart to hold the grief that isn't so delicate.  A place where the hurt can be confined somewhat, as to not have control of the whole of me. 

8 comments:

  1. sending you big hugs because that's what I have to give!

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  2. Much love to you, Meri. <3

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  3. Ugh Meri. You know you are loved by so many....but there is nothing anyone can do or so to take this hurt away from you. You have to feel it, you have to walk this journey. You know it, we know it. It just sucks. All we can do is pray for you and give you virtual hugs!

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  4. So many hugs your way, Meri. However disconnected those steps and smiles may be, know that the hugs are there. What you bring to our hearts... is priceless. Thank you. Wishing you the best that I have to offer from this side.

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  5. Praying for you. You are doing what you need to do, which right now is just take the next step, no matter how tiny. I often have thought that our culture seems to tell us that emotional wounds should have a shorter timeline to heal than physical wounds. That with physical wounds we expect, and even give permission, to others (and ourselves) to rest, to have good days and bad days, and that it might take longer for some; because we know it part of the process of healing. Maybe it is easier with physical wounds because we can see and measure progress. (The scar is a little less red, I can bend that a little further, I can climb these stairs without a break). Yet somehow with emotional wounds - we put a timeline on it. And what do you measure emotional progress with? So it feels longer and it can feel like no progress is being made. But I am sure you are healing - in tiny ways that will eventually add up to big ways. Hugs for you.

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  6. Oh Meri,

    I have been reading your blog for quite some time but have not commented. You take all the time that you need. You have dealt with A LOT and it's really been such a short time. Don't feel bad for that. No matter what a person is going through in life, they have to take the time that THEY need to get better and be okay. And that time for each person is different and there is no "expected" time frame.

    Take all the time you need to feel better, God will help you through. Sometimes we fight so hard to feel better and "get over" something because everyone expects us to do that, but what we really need to do is quit fighting and just stop and listen to God.

    Prayers for you and your family. You're doing awesome!!

    Laura

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  7. ((HUGS)) You are in my thoughts. You are doing so incredibly well through it all. I hope you know that nobody expects you to hold anything in, allow yourself the moments you need to grieve. Take care ~Sarah

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  8. You are in my prayers. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.... I am just hoping you get a break and there is something you can do to ease the pain. I'll bet your boys and those around you may not even be aware of your suffering because you are masking it well. You are so brave. As you walk through this tunnel, never lose sight of that light. The pain will not always be this sharp; you will learn how to live alongside of the pain. There is a lot of joy left in life. I know you will be happy again.

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