Saturday, November 24, 2012

Who I am.

I hated the word.

Hated it.

I hate the word hate, too.  But in this instance...only hate would do.


Widow is such a lonely word.

It is old.  It is covered in black, and it most definitely has wrinkles.

That isn't me.

I've used the word a handful of times, and in each instance it was meant to be a joke.

"I bet you say that to all the widows."

"I was a grieving widow, and you expected me to retain that bit of information?"

"You wouldn't say that to a widow, would you?"

Every time I said it, a little something inside me died.  The word made me anxious, and angry.  It didn't define me at all. 

But the fact remains, today I changed my relationship status on Facebook to "widowed."

I AM a widow.

Damn it.  I AM A WIDOW.

What the hell?!

As I took to my treadmill today I tossed the word around in my head a bit.  The treadmill is the new shower for me.  I can think things out, and cry them out with exceptional satisfaction.  It feels good to run and cry.  It feels good to hash out in my brain things that I am struggling with.

I said the word out loud.  "Widow."

"I am a widow."

And as I said it out loud, it occurred to me that even though I am a widow...I am much much more than that.  For instance:

I am a mother.  I am a chocolate chip cookie lover.  I am a laugher at inappropriate jokes.  I am a night person, and all of a sudden I am a morning person, too.  I am the new cook of the house.   I am a decorator.  I am a writer.  I am a people person.  I am a family person.  I am a movie lover.  I am a sky-aholic.  I am a sister, daughter, aunt, niece, cousin, sister in law, daughter in law, friend.  I am a lover and a fighter. I am a Christ follower.  I am a hoper.  I am a joy finder.  I am a friend.  I am a music lover.  I am a realist and I am a dreamer.  I am responsible.  I am irresponsible.  I am passionate.  I am someone who appreciates small gestures.  I am a singer to the car radio.  I am neat, and I am a mess.  I am a speaker.  I am a motivator.  I am a pancreas.  I am a fast driver.  I am a PMSer.  I am a fierce advocate.  I am a hugger.  I am a crier.  I am a smiler.  I am an adapter.  I am a blessing counter.  I am a deep thinker.  I am someone who loves quiet and chaos.  I am a prayer. 

And yeah...I am a widow, too.  I don't want to be a widow.  But I didn't get a say in that. 
I am anyway.

I am a million different things.  So adding widow to the mix doesn't change too much. has changed my perspective somewhat.  Life is too short not to tell someone you love them.  Life is too short not to hug and laugh and try your best.  We only get one try at this life is a waste to live it without thankfulness in our hearts. (My widowiness taught me that.)

So why fight it?  I am going to take this widow thing and bring it up a notch.

Whether I want it there or not, it is piece of who I am.  And whether I admit it or not, it has made me a more grateful...dare I say better? person.  (Which really ticks me off.  Why do trials have to make us better?  Isn't there an easier way?)

I won't be afraid of that word anymore. 

I'm not going to put it on a t-shirt or anything.  But today I take ownership of it.

Because I'm ok with the finished product.  All those pieces fit neatly together to make me.  And although I am not perfect...I am starting to appreciate who I am.

I am Meri Schuhmacher.

I am not shady and wrinkled.  I don't wear hats with netting over the eyes.  I don't wear brown pantyhose.   I don't eat fruitcake.  I don't wear dentures.  I'm still in my 30's for crying out loud!  (For another month or so anyway...) 

I do like black though.  It's slimming.

Sure I am a widow...but that only scratches the surface of me.

Is that corny?

Because it's ok if it is...

It's just another part of what makes me who I am.


  1. You forgot to write that you are one cool person to have in one's corner, strawberry rhubarb pie finder, and amazing giver of hugs.

    Love you sweet Meri!

  2. You are beautiful inside and out... Every post just proves that more and more. I can only dream of being half the exceptional woman you are... For serious. Is it bad that i hate that you changed your FB status? I hate that you have to say that word. I hate that I can't be closer to help and I hate that I wouldn't know what to say if I was. I love you MTW, Meri, I am in constant awe of you.

  3. I hate that word for you Meri! After 3 years my Mom STILL struggles with the word :( As always, you have a great way of finding the best in everything, even when it sucks more than anything! You also forgot to mention you are an internet mentor in ALL things Diabetes... combined with LIFE itself. Love you Meri!

  4. I happen to love that song! It's on my exercise playlist...along with Toby Mac's "Get Back Up".

  5. What you are Meri is utterly amazing!! My son was diagnosed as type 1 a little over a year ago and I still have moments of difficulty with the whole thing, but I know I can come here and know I am not alone! I look forward to every one of your posts. Thanks for what you do!!

  6. You are an inspiration :)
    And the author of my first blog post (or is it called a re-post??)

  7. as always you know just what we all need to hear. I am always amazed at the transformations that come from trials and heartache. I know there are titles that I have tried to shy away from, but once I embraced them I realized how that didn't define me or make me less of who I am, but was just a part that helped mold me into all that is here and all that may come.
    Have a lovely week :)

  8. This is a great post, as usual. Your blog is the only blog I truly follow. You have so much wisdom, wit and humor and you are so real about the hard stuff. It's hard to keep my sense of humor with two Type 1 diabetic children and one Type 2 husband, but you help me do it. And you give me strength. Thank you. I just have to say that your line, "I do like black though. It's slimming" made me laugh OUT LOUD! The timing was perfect! Thank you for that too. I needed that. And just so you know, I hate that trials make me a better person too. . . .

  9. Oh, Meri. You're amazing. And I hate that word for you, too.

    You make us stronger.

    I've always said that I'm more than just a girl who lost her mother to cancer. I've always said I'm more than the health problems that practically dictate my every thought. I'm stronger than that, and most of the time, the word "orphan" (because yes, it does still apply to someone who lost one parent) and the word "sick" apply to me deeply AND peripherally. I don't let them define my life, but the pieces of me that are here because of them are a part of who I am...a LARGE part of who I am. They make me compassionate, kinder, more loving, more able to appreciate what I DO have instead of what I don't. The problems I face are a blessing and a curse, but they're still a a part of me. My job is to make sure they're a GOOD part of me.

    And yes, I'm also a guitar player, and a daughter, and a sister. I am resourceful, responsible, irrepressible, funny, and a maker of jokes that only some people will ever understand. I am a patient, I am a pre-med, I am a future doctor. I am a caffeine lover, I am a chocolate lover, I am a best friend. I am a night person, I am a lover of books, I am a dork, I am a writer. I am a cook, I am a grocery shopper, I am a person who HATES clothes shopping. I am a student and a fighter with my sister and a lot of good things, but mostly I am stronger than I ever imagined I would be.

    Thank you for reminding us that we are more than the challenges we face.

    (And P.S., EVERYONE loves black because it's slimming...except skinny people. And the way you said that made me LAUGH.)

  10. I love that song too!

    I know it's not the same but I feel like people with diabetes may understand 1% of how you are feeling. We have diabetes (or are diabetic) but there are so many other parts to us as well.


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