Thursday, November 15, 2012

The end goal.

It was the day Ryan passed away.  I was at my inlaws house with the boys and with family all around.  I was in shock.  I was scared.  I was tired.  I was distraught.  I was confused.  The house was warm...really warm, and I was feeling overwhelmed to say the least.

I needed air.

I grabbed my iPad and walked outside.  Sitting at the patio table I opened it up and clicked the Facebook icon.  I sat in the fading sunlight, quietly sobbing as I read the posts written on my wall, and the private messages that poured in from all around the world.  It was when the sky began to darken that my father poked his head out the back door.

"Meri, you really shouldn't be alone right now."

To which I replied:

"I'm not alone, Dad."

I know I've touched on this many times, but the friendships that I have gleaned online, specifically through the diabetes online community have saved me.

I never feel alone.  There is ALWAYS someone there to talk to...night or day.

How do I get through?  It is the love.  Love has changed everything. 

Yesterday was World Diabetes Day.   I packed the car up with my family and headed out to San Francisco to see the Ferry Building light up blue to commemorate Fredrick Banting's birthday and his discovery of insulin.

There I met Manny Hernandez from Tu Diabetes  and Mike Lawson from What Some Would Call Lies, and The Diabetes Hands Foundation.  I met them online, I am Facebook friends with them and follow them both on Twitter.  But they are more than statuses and updates...they are my friends.  Their kindness and good hearts are very real. 

Just like yours.

We spoke a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I fumbled through, trying to put into words exactly what my dream job would be.

And then as we were driving home from the city last night, it hit me.

I want to make other people feel the same way you all made me feel that night out on the patio.  I want to make people feel loved in the hardest hours.  I want to tell people, "I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I care...and I am here.  You are wonderful.  You can do this."

 I want to make people feel better.

There are so many people out there that feel alone.  I know many people like to use me as a worst case scenario.  "I thought my life was bad...but Meri's!  Wow!"  But I don't see things that way at all.  I have good friends, in town, online...all around everywhere that tell me they love me every day.  Friends that lift me up, and in turn make love a prevailing theme in my life.  There are so many people that don't have that.  They think they are alone.  They think no one cares.  They are scared.  They think their future has little hope.  Feeling alone and hopeless?  That is MY worst case scenario.
I'm not sure where I go from here, but I have a couple paths that I'm contemplating taking.  It's all very fuzzy right now, and some of it requires me traveling WAY out of the comfort zone of my computer keyboard, but I believe that even if I don't find a 9-5 job that fits that description, I'll find a way to do it anyway.

Because when I was/am in my hardest hour...words and love from good people like you have helped me.

I want to be that good person.

I want to help back.

I want to give back.

Moving forward, I'm going to make that my end goal.  And if I can make a difference in even one life, like you all have made a difference in mine?

Well, I'll call that an epic victory.


  1. Meri, you already do all of that, just by being who you are. That's why so many of us have gathered around you to offer our support and love to you. Because we're returning the favor. That being said, you've been on my mind a lot over the last few months. I wish I knew of a company that hired diabetes advocates. You'd make a great one. You'd also make an incredible counselor for newly diagnosed families. No matter what you end up being employed to do, I know that you're going to accomplish all the things you have your heart set on! Because you're just that incredible and amazing and beautiful!

  2. Oh, Meri, you do! You do give back; with every word you type, you give back.

  3. I'm sitting here just crying...your words, heart and you, you are just beautiful!!!!!!!!

  4. I know you will find that epic victory Meri! You have already given so much to so many, and continue to do so each and every day. Something very huge and special is around the corner for YOU, I just know it!

  5. Meri, you are meant to do good in the world. It pours out in your blog, your words, your thoughts. You have helped me in so many ways...without even knowing. I may not have met you in person, but I feel your friendship just the same. When I have had dark days, I have found comfort in your words. I have cried with you, laughed with you and prayed with you. You are a very special person and you will find your path...and it will be as amazing as you are! You CAN do this :)

  6. You're doing it! You are!

    I have *never* thought that you're the worst case scenario. From where I'm standing, you seem to have it all: you're surrounded by love, you have this unshakable religious faith, your kids are nice and smart and polite, plus you are super cute and have a glowing complexion despite the sleepless nights.

    There is NO WAY you won't find someone to pay you a gajillion dollars, or at least *enough* dollars, to make being gorgeous, loving you into a career.

  7. Yes, you really do accomplish that (and more) with your writing. You touch hearts, and lift souls, often in what feels like our darkest of hours. And, you do so with such humility, and selflessly.

  8. Take the world by storm, my sweet friend. I know great things wait on the horizon, and I will support you 100% of the way.

  9. :))))
    You make me think of quote from mother Teresa when asked what is worst poverty of all the things she was seeing day in and day out... She said "the poverty of being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for" is the greatest poverty.
    Hoping you continue to feel the riches :)

  10. not that want you to feel finished with your goal, but you've made an incredible difference in my life. I appreciate you. When you allowed me to call you and discuss the most minuscule details about raising a young child with d it made a difference. I am glad you know how loved you are and I just want you to know that your post are often the very thing I need to hear at that moment. Thank you.

  11. Meri, based on your blog post just now, you are under the impression that you giving people that same love and comfort hasn't happened yet. Oh, dear one, you are so mistaken. YOU have been doing that since the day you wrote your first word to reach out to the online community. I feel all those things already from YOU. YOU have been a support to ME, when it really should be the other way around. Let's just call it even, and we can thank God that we are able to lean on each other, especially on those lonely, sad days....because you are right, there are SO many who don't have that. We need to seek out those people. You are just amazing, Meri. I'm so honored and glad to know you. Someday my hope is that our paths will cross in the real world and I can give you one giant hug x 1,000, because you have made a difference in my life, in fact, you are a part of my life, and an important and special part. Thank you and love to you and your wonderful guys.

  12. maybe you should write a book, you could reach 100.000s and I'm sure you'd have a positive impact on all of them

  13. Epic victory... Check! You can not possibly know how much you already give back. It's us that want to give back to YOU, because you have always given so much to others. I think you would be amazing at helping others... It's just naturally who you are. <3

  14. You are a survivor who keeps a positive attitude no matter what life hands you. A champion prize fighter who cannot be knocked down. And you can teach many people to stand up; your strength inspires and can help many. There are so many careers where you can make decent money and make a difference. I hope you can take advantage of programs in the community; government will help pay for nursing and teaching careers if you are willing to give back. Career counseling can help with ideas.... you will find what you are looking for but it can be hard to pinpoint. Of course the job of CDE immediately comes to mind, but the hours are long. Something in the psychiatric field, Physician's Assistant, Nurse Practitioner (regular nursing can have unforgiving hours), Physical or Occupational therapist, Audiologist... my career fave, cardiac sonographer (because it is flexible and the money is good). You can make a difference, help people and still support your family. Look what Manny Hernandez has accomplished with TuDiabetes; you could start up some kind of organization online for teens and young adults with Type 1 (which is a demographic not adequately represented). Whatever career you choose, you will make a difference. In addition, you could certainly write a book which could lead to public speaking engagements.... I have a feeling you already have the audience. Your path will become clear to you. Keep brainstorming....

  15. You already do all of that and so much more. I don't think you realize just how many lives you touch on a day to day basis! Thank you for being you and doing what you do :)


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