I've always thought of diabetes as mine.
No, I don't have diabetes per se, but I live it...and I take full responsibility for it times three.
My head is in the game 24/7. I put so much work into diabetes...the diabetes hamster wheel in my brain is still running full tilt after all these years. But lately it has become very clear that my boys have diabetes hamster wheels too, and they too have theirs running at a good clip.
I'm not super happy about that.
I always ran my hamster wheel so they wouldn't have to run theirs. But as they have gotten older, they have begun to give their wheels more steam, and in effect, given diabetes more room in their brain for processing.
They are taking over their care slowly...but absolutely, surely.
The other day I was going to be out of town, in a meeting. As a result, I wasn't going to be available for the boys calls during the day. My sister in law, my back up pancreas, was subbing all day and wasn't able to field their calls either. I spoke to the boys about it, and they all confidently assured me they knew exactly what to do. They knew how many carbs to bolus for snack and lunch, and when to give a free snack if their blood sugar was low. They knew what to eat for each specific low number, and they knew if they were high that they needed to bolus.
That day my boys didn't call me once, and each and every one did everything, perfectly, all on their own.
On the way home from school I praised them for their awesomeness, for which J replied, "What do you expect Mom? This morning at breakfast you prepared us for every situation, including Armageddon."
Then my baby L piped in, "Mom, we totally got this. We don't even need to call you anymore."
"No sweetheart, you need to call me. Just in case."
It was then I realized I was having them call me every day for MY peace of mind. Could they really do this without always checking in with me? That would require me slowing down my hamster wheel. It hasn't slowed down for fourteen years...is that even doable?
A couple nights ago I changed the insulin sensitivity on the two littles. I checked them hourly for a good part of the night, making sure my changes weren't too strong. L, my littlest, began to go low. As I fed him a snack like a mother bird to her young, I realized that my boys were going to be on their own someday, and that someday was coming quickly.
Who will feed them then?
I've always known one day I would set them free, but the thought overwhelmed me in that moment. I freely run my hamster wheel for my boys. Knowing that one day there will be steam coming out of their ears all the time?
I hate the thought.
It is such a large stone to carry around.
So much responsibility.
But here I am, knowing that they will willingly take all the responsibility one day...and they'll somehow be ok.
They will be ok.
We have come so far in this past decade. Change is life's way of saying, "keep moving."
And I'm moving...even though I would rather freeze time and work through my own demons.
Like I said, I knew the day would come. It just hurts knowing I can't shield them any longer. They've passed their diabetes permit tests, I need to let go and let them drive...full on knowing there are going to be small dents and even big accidents along the way. The hard truth is, they can't become able drivers without having a turn at the wheel.
Good thing I'm a brilliant backseat driver.