Saturday, October 6, 2012

Dreaming forward.

When I was a little girl my family would vacation every summer.  It usually entailed a long miserable road trip with the destination being a relative of some kind.   Imagine six kids in the back of a two toned 1970 Chevy Beauville G20 Van with nothing more than tumbleweed to keep them occupied.  Yeah, it wasn't pretty. 

But my mother would always say, "Look out the window and dream about something."  So, I would look out the window and dream I was a princess trapped in the dessert with a bunch of monkeys trying to attack me.  The prince would always save me, and I always lived happily ever after.

Daydreaming isn't something I've done in a long time.  I'm out of practice, and now more of a realist than anything else.

As an adult, it's hard for me to sit back and imagine something new.  I'm comfortable with the old.  But here I am forced into a new world, and forced to try new things.

Forced to dream. 

A friend of mine recently told me I need to dream big.  She urged me not to sell myself short, and encouraged me to believe in myself.   She said she believed there was really something to saying what you want out loud, to the universe.  Sending your intentions out seems to make dreams come to fruition.

"Like my magic rainbow tunnel?" I asked like a three year old.  "On the way to the Endo in the city we pass through the rainbow tunnel and I always hold my breath and wish as many wishes as possible in the short time we are inside.   It's crazy awesome. "

"Yes like that," She said humoring me..."Except, all the time."

And then the epiphany hit.   I need to live my life as if I'm always in the tunnel.

I need to be constantly praying and living out loud...sending what I hope my life will become up to higher powers.

As I sit here now reflecting on what I dream for the future, it's hard to find a clear picture.  I already thought all my dreams came true.  Finding new ones doesn't seem right...or fair.

Dreaming of a future without Ryan by my side is like watching TV in black and white.  There is no vibrancy.  It is flat,  and lackluster at best.

Will my future ever be in HD?

I hope so. 

If Dorothy can go from black and white to color,  can't I?

Dorothy escaped those monkeys,  and all she needed was her own intentions  to move on.  She always had it in her power to get where she needed to go...she didn't know it until the end, but it was inside her.

Is it inside me? 

I'm not a character in a movie. 

I'm not a princess in the desert being chased by monkeys either.

 I'm just a woman, with four children, who is in search of her own Yellow Brick Road.

The storm has come.

I'm flying in the eye of the tornado. 

What I really need to do now,  is find a way to steer this thing.


  1. Meri, I know that I don't really know you, but from what I do know, you can and will do great things and find your yellow brick road again. It will eventually lead you straight to Ryan, but you will have lots of wonderful adventures with scarecrows and lions and tinmen along the way! (Trust me, I know these things, I am from Kansas!) Keeping you and the boys always in my prayers....

  2. Oh Meri, God will bless you. You will see a clear path to a great future. Time does heal and Out God is merciful. Praying for you.

  3. You are more than a princess, more than all that you imagine...there are amazing things awaiting you I just know it. I am grateful to be able to hear all that comes your way. And I love your tunnel of dreams, too - I love having those little moments that we really focus hard, yes we can do it all the time, but sometimes those moments are magical, too.

  4. What a beautiful post . . .you have a gift . . .a way of touching hearts . . .and as always, this one touched mine . . .in time, HD will return . . .just give it time . . .much love, cheryl

  5. I have no doubt that you will continue to have a gorgeous life! I guess HD takes time.

    Since Ryan passed away, I've tried to come up with a survival plan for my boys and me if we find ourselves in a similar situation. The key things I think I'll need are three million dollars and uninterrupted health insurance. My future quickly turns into the plot from Weeds.

    I love reading about how you are making the gorgeous life happen.

  6. If Dorothy had it in her, I have no doubt you have it in you. We just have to help you figure out what IT is :D

  7. You are much more than a movie character or a are a daughter of our Heavenly Father and He sees you in HD. On my TV sometimes I have to change the channel to get HD. When you are ready, change the channel and dream big! You are an amazing woman.

  8. praying with you for a path to be shown!

  9. I always sit here, for what feels like forever, trying to find a small resemblance of what would be "the right words" to say. I know they will never come. All I can keep saying is I know you will. You still have dreams that need to come true, you will find your yellow brick road and your life will continue to be in HD surrounded by the love of your boys.

  10. Still praying, sweet Meri. You're on your yellow brick road already! What a blessing your boys are...the rest will come. Praying for you to find each brick, as it's ready to be revealed. Big hugs, girl!


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