Sunday, September 16, 2012

Melancholy


Ryan was home to me.  Right now I'm feeling homeless.  Where do I belong?  The world is turning and I must take my place.  But where?

Our bedroom is the hardest room for me to be in.  I only noticed a few days ago how I avoid going in there.  I use the boys bathroom during the day, instead of my own.  When I go in our room at night it feels sacred.  A giant photo of him leans against the wall from the funeral.  For now, I like it there.  His smile is so genuine...I feel like he's telling me how proud he is that I've gotten through another day.  I pray harder in there.  I cry harder in there.  Everything is rawer in there.

Today was a struggle.  Being in church without him by my side hurts.  I sat at the end of the row feeling naked on my right side.  I told the boys on the way home I need them to sit on either side of me for now on.  They nodded and completely understood.  I'm so lucky to have them.  I was surprised how jealous I was of the husbands with their hands around their wives.  I miss his embrace.  I miss felling his fingers around mine. 

I miss HIM.

I am thankful for the knowledge that we'll be together again one day, but my heart breaks thinking how long it will be until we hold each other.  Too long.  Just waiting one more day seems too long.

Thank goodness for my boys.  They are why I get up in the morning.  As difficult as it is waking up only to realize this is all real, as soon as I walk out of my room and see them...I'm OK...or at least better.

B announced yesterday that he wants to start playing baseball.  Today I was outside playing catch with him...fumbling with the ball, trying to remember the correct way to throw it.  The correct way to catch a ball?  I'm not sure I'm teaching him correctly.  Ryan was always waiting for one of his boys to show interest in baseball, and now here B is ready to embrace it and he has only an inept mother to coach him through. 

The leaves are changing and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Seasons are rolling on, time is moving forward while our family sits static in our grief.  We try to normal through our days, keeping busy is our best defense against the tears.  When the boys are around their cousins or their friends, they are alive.  They laugh.  They are kids.  My heart sings when I hear them laugh together.

I guess the best word for this stage is melancholy.   I'm lonely without him.  Lost.  Homeless.  We spent every day together,  practically every lunch together.  When you and the love of your life are inseparable, and then you are alone...melancholy.  That is the only word.

It is completely overwhelming knowing I am responsible for the boys wellbeing...emotionally, physically, financially.  Failing them is not an option.  But here I am wondering how I will make a living.  I need to jump in...but where to start?  Call me.  I'm for sale.

Despite all the melancholy, I have an overwhelming sense of predetermination.  Something is waiting for me out there.  Something.   Seems completely unfathomable, but at the same time I am certain there is a path I am supposed to walk now...I just feel it.  I only wish someone would physically take my hand and show me the way.

The question marks are the worst.  The question marks and missing him. 

Faith isn't always the easiest road, but I can't image traveling by any other.  Where would I be without the hope for a better day?  My brain tells me there is happiness to be found ahead...my heart is not sure.  All I know is I have no choice but to move forward.

One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

Sometimes...one minute at a time.

One step at a time.

The world won't stop for me, so I will move forward, working diligently to find my place again. 

And hope that somehow, the place I find will feel like home.


27 comments:

  1. You will find your place, sweet friend, truly. In tiny incremental ways it will fall into place for you. You are in my thoughts every single day and i send strengthening vibes and much, much love and many cyber hugs to you all. Today you can do it again. Look to one day at a time. xxxx

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  2. I feel the pain in your words...the loneliness. I ache knowing your heart isn't beating with it's normal rhythm and sync.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly.

    Always.



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  3. Praying for you and your boys Meri....So thankful that you have the "faith"! God will see you through.

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  4. I can feel your headache & your determination. I have faith that you will find those needs met, in time, & I'm thankful that you have your wonderful boys!

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  5. I am thinking of you always and sending love and strength.

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  6. I know it seems like forever until you're with Ryan again, Meri, but in Heaven, time doesn't pass the same way. For Ryan, it'll be mere moments before you join him again. You two had something so incredibly special and that kind of love lives on. You can see it in each one of your boys. You are destined for something amazing, I just know it. While you're trying to figure out what that is, make sure you reach out to your church and your community and let them offer you direction and guidance. We're all here for you, Meri. With lots of love and prayers!

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  7. No words, just prayers and hugs...

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  8. Sending you prayers and hugs and love to make it through one more day, hour, minute, my dear friend.

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  9. I ache for you reading your words. I'm glad you are finding joy in your boys. Sending love to you and your boys.

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  10. I can feel your pain through the words, and I wish I could take it all away. we are all here to lift you up whenever you need. Love and prayers to you my friend.....always.

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  11. I am sure you will find your calling, find another career. It is so soon to have to think of this; must be completely overwhelming. But I know the writer of this blog can do it. You have your four boys and they must be a comfort to you. They need you and you them. Praying for you and your boys, but I know no one can take away the pain. One day at a time.... it sounds like a good plan. Keeping busy..... sounds good too. Just put one foot in front of the other, every day. One day there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

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  12. Oh Meri! Inept is not the adjective I would ever use, BUT IF you are an inept mother, you are the BEST darn inept mother around!! You went out & played ball with your son & I believe Ryan guided you. Try to take comfort in that. Take one day at a time. Some will be hard. Some will be not as hard. You will figure it all out. You always do. (This is my daily motto) Please keep writing, both for yourself & for us....therapy for all :) You have helped me with my diabetic son so much in the short time I have been following you. You are doing such important things with your writing! (seems to me maybe you already have it figured out & you just can't see it yet?) My heart aches for you and your boys. We are a house chock full of boys too....5 of them....so I feel a bit of kinship. Tomorrow is a new day. Do the best you can with today.

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  13. I am a big believer in "you get what you give"....and Meri, through reading your blog I have learned that you have given more than any one person could ever think possible. Given of your heart, your soul, your experiences, your friendship......you have given.....and I know that good things will come to you. Your faith is a beautiful thing and I am greatful to be able to read your words. Hugs to you as always.

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  14. Meri, my heart aches reading this. I can only imagine the aching that your heart is doing. I am proud of you for knowing that it is ok to take it one minute at a time. And boy, do I wish I could afford you! I'd buy you in a second :) But the truth is you are worth SO much more. So so much more. I am praying that you will find your way in time. <3

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  15. Oh Meri...

    One minute at a time, sounds like a great plan. My heart aches for you and your boys, I think of you many times through every day! I wonder how will Meri do this, how will Meri do that....then I realize, MERI if anyone, CAN do this. Thank goodness for your boys, for now they are your heart and reason for every day when it feels there is no more reason without your other half.

    Im wishing that can somehow find financial security in blogging, it really is what you do best. You have touched so many people's lives, strengthened so many, encouraged, believed...."you get what you give" is oh so true. There has to be a way...

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  16. i love you and your boys. One day at a time. :)

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  17. "Call me! I'm for sale!" Look at you, in times of despair, still making the rest of us laugh, even for a moment. Hugs.

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  18. tears....Meri...lots of tears dear friend. You have such a way with the written word. Your words are like a mirror right into your soul, and I feel my soul reaching our to your soul, telling it that healing will take place. It will come, Meri, for you more than anybody in the world I can think of. Ryan will give you that strength, and so will your sons, and God, who will never, ever, leave you, not for a second, even when you feel alone and "naked" without Ryan's hand in yours. I pray you will feel his heavenly hand in yours somehow, as you tackle your tomorrows and the leaves changing and your destined place in this world. LOVE to you.

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  19. Many prayers for you and your boys as you face each day, each hour, each minute. Prayers prayers and more prayers for you.

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  20. Meri- you don't know me but I feel like I know you through your amazingly written blog. I cried for your family when Ryan passed away and my heart is so heavy for your as I read your grief. I write only so you'll know someone in NC is touched by your words, your family, your story. And so very sorry for the loss of your soul mate.

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  21. HUGS! Can't seem to form words at the moment.

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  22. We pray for your family every day...my three year old interrupted me right in the middle if the prayer today and said, "mom, you didn't pray for the schumacher family yet!" I will pray specifically that you will be led to employment that will bless you and your boys.

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  23. The loss of a life partner is a major loss, and you'll need time to adjust. For the time-being, you need to give yourself that time to mourn the loss. I'm wishing you the strength you need to adjust.

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  24. Love and hugs for you. One day at a time....

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  25. Dear Meri-

    I know Vivian Beal Schaffers (grew up in OK together) and found you through her. I felt called to share this blog http://www.jessplusthemess.blogspot.com/ with you. I was only introduced to this other blog by my sister recently. I feel weird sharing this with you, but I think I was meant to. Big hugs to you and your boys. Thank you for sharing yourselves with the world.

    Love & Prayers,
    Janet

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