Yesterday was a big day. 14 hours from beginning to end at the hospital for Ryan's Gamma Knife Radiation. As thankful as I am for the technology that will surely help my husband, I am so glad that yesterday is over.
It's hard to explain what feeling helpless is like. It mentally hurts so much that your body viscerally responds to it. It is an aching anger that comes from the gut, and a quiet hurt that haunts your heart.
Needless to say, feeling helpless is not my favorite.
One would think I would be used to it. When it comes to diabetes I often feel helpless. But when you see someone in front of you miserable...that is a different story. My boys are very rarely miserable. They are happy and busy kids.
But cancer is a totally other animal. Yesterday we had to look that cancer in the eye. We had to let it take over our day. We had to let it hurt.
Many many hours of waiting at the hospital, I set my focus on my wrist.
(The orange FFL bracelet fell off a couple days ago. Super sad face.)
The You Can do This bracelet taken from Sara's wrist and put onto mine during Richard Rubin's Diabetes Overwhelmus course at FFL.
The Courage bracelet given to me in a tender moment from Wendy, another mother who is like a sister to me.
And in the palm of my hand I held the third bracelet, also given to me from Sara. It is a cancer awareness bracelet with a heart inscribed: Together we can make a difference.
I was able to take all the love out there and bring it all to one place. And to be honest, I drew strength from it, and it helped.
One of the most important lessons I've learned from this journey so far is: small gestures make a big difference. Most often it isn't the grand things that are needed but rather a small token of love, a meal, or even a kind word. We have been recipients of so many kind gestures and I'm ashamed to say I never knew.
I never knew that bringing a meal to someone who is having a hard time could cause them such complete relief. (And really, it isn't a small gesture when you're cooking for a family of 6.)
I never knew that just saying, "I'm sorry, I hear you, god bless." can heal a heart so.
I never knew that bracelets, probably monetarily worth very little...could be equal to the mansions in heaven for my soul.
I never knew that when a person is having a hard time, just writing on their facebook wall or sending them a text or an email could make them feel BETTER, and lift them up out of the fog.
If you ever feel prompted to call someone, or text someone, or help someone...
It makes all the difference in the world.
My heart...my surviving all of this...is living proof that it is so.