Tuesday, May 8, 2012

My life: The million piece jigsaw puzzle

My life is a puzzle.

It's sitting in front of me in a million different pieces.

I want more than anything to put all the pieces in their place.  I don't like clutter. 

But the pieces shift and situations change.  Just when I have all the edges picked out of the pile...the edges morph into center pieces.  Their smooth lines change to curves and pointy 45 degree angles.

I spend my days mentally trying to put it all together.  Trying to make sense of the big picture.

I sort out my thoughts into separate color piles.  Organizing my feelings in each situation.  Are these feelings here because of the cancer?  Am I angry right now because of diabetes?  Am I scared or am I just a human being feeling what should be felt?

The biggest problem lays in the fact that I'm not in full control of the puzzle.

People, problems, life...they walk into my swelly brain and mess with my progress.

These days, the puzzle doesn't seem to be any more closer to completion than it was a month ago. 
I just want to make progress.

But it is blaringly obvious to me that I'm not completely in charge of that.

Ryan's cancer decides on its own whether many of the pieces work or they don't.

The boys blood sugars have power far beyond my organization skills to mix up all my pieces again and again.

Looking at it sometimes...all I see is a big fat mess.

I put one foot in front of the other...one piece connecting with another and I keep going because I have faith that the full picture will emerge one day.  Imagining the successful future of our picture gets me through.  I'll work on this puzzle forever because I know we can eventually make it a piece of art.

The pieces are a big chaotic mess right now, but on the other hand I realize there are enough pieces at my disposal to make something out of them...smaller sections of beautiful.   And that is something. 
A very big something.

Maybe not everything fits right now...but my children are here.  My husband is here.  He is alive, and smiling.  I have my home, my family, my friends, and my faith.

All the pieces are there to make an amazing future.  Well...most of them.  Cancer is holding a few pieces hostage at the moment...but we'll get them back.  I have to believe that. 
Believing that is what keeps me moving.

Puzzles aren't meant to be put together in a single moment.

Puzzles take time.  Patience.  Faith that we can do it. 
And above all, the belief that there is a worthwhile  final picture.

Sure, the final picture I imagine for our family requires a miracle... 

But I believe the man upstairs is sorting those pieces into cohesive piles as we speak.

After all, he created the puzzle in the first place.  I need to stop scrambling and have faith that he'll guide our family to the finished product.

One prayer at a time.

One piece at a time.



  1. And nobody would ever think differently of you for having a huge messy pile of pieces that didn't even belong to the same puzzle. I think that is more likely. You guys have given so much to so many others that I no longer believe we're all playing with one small box...we're to intermixed, yet somehow together the puzzle will turn out to be far greater than we could ever imagine.
    I think of you guys often. Your marriage and your family have helped me beyond words. I wish so much that I could give more. Do more. Right now I can and will keep praying. God has incredible things in store. I just know it.

  2. Sarah, thank you for your amazing comment! It totally spun my brain into a new way of thinking. It was a much needed perspective u-turn! Funny how clarity often comes from my friends around me...on angel's errands I suspect.

  3. beautiful post once again. I truly believe that the "smaller sections of beautiful" are what it's all about. Yes, they will eventually come together to form that complete breathtaking big picture....but the real stuff...the true beauty is in the smaller sections that we work on a moment at a time. I know we have never spoken, Meri...but I think of you and your beautiful family often and pray. You are a pillar of strength and grace. :o)

  4. I think if maybe God started us off with the chunky 8 piece 'baby' puzzles early in life, we could slowly progress to more difficult and more numerous puzzle in a s-l-o-w and e-a-s-y manner . . . but it is not so. Sometimes you have to stare and study that one small piece to see all the intricacies of where it fits in to the bigger picture. Just as necessary, sometimes you have to step back and view all the pieces that have been perfectly placed. Every once in a while you need to leave the table all together so you can take a break, regroup, and come back with fresh eyes. God created this giant picture and He promises the end result is beautiful and perfectly designed. Trust in Him and the journey, my sweet friend. You are so strong. Remember that in order to be strong, you must know weakness and overcome it. You got this!!!!

    Love you, MMMMmmmmmmeeeeeeerrrrrriiiiiii

  5. Hello Meri, I stumbled through your blog, I have no idea what you are going through, but from the distance I can tell you are a very strong woman. I am sure you are going to see the light at the end of this tunnel, you will be able to sort out your puzzle, I know. Best blessings for you and your family.

  6. You never cease to amaze me with your wonderful analogies. It's hard when we can get those pieces to fit and we struggle to see the big picture amongst the ciaos of the mess. I know God is sustaining you and your family and will help you see the bits of beauty!


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