It's sitting in front of me in a million different pieces.
I want more than anything to put all the pieces in their place. I don't like clutter.
But the pieces shift and situations change. Just when I have all the edges picked out of the pile...the edges morph into center pieces. Their smooth lines change to curves and pointy 45 degree angles.
I spend my days mentally trying to put it all together. Trying to make sense of the big picture.
I sort out my thoughts into separate color piles. Organizing my feelings in each situation. Are these feelings here because of the cancer? Am I angry right now because of diabetes? Am I scared or am I just a human being feeling what should be felt?
The biggest problem lays in the fact that I'm not in full control of the puzzle.
People, problems, life...they walk into my swelly brain and mess with my progress.
These days, the puzzle doesn't seem to be any more closer to completion than it was a month ago.
I just want to make progress.
But it is blaringly obvious to me that I'm not completely in charge of that.
Ryan's cancer decides on its own whether many of the pieces work or they don't.
The boys blood sugars have power far beyond my organization skills to mix up all my pieces again and again.
Looking at it sometimes...all I see is a big fat mess.
I put one foot in front of the other...one piece connecting with another and I keep going because I have faith that the full picture will emerge one day. Imagining the successful future of our picture gets me through. I'll work on this puzzle forever because I know we can eventually make it a piece of art.
The pieces are a big chaotic mess right now, but on the other hand I realize there are enough pieces at my disposal to make something out of them...smaller sections of beautiful. And that is something.
A very big something.
Maybe not everything fits right now...but my children are here. My husband is here. He is alive, and smiling. I have my home, my family, my friends, and my faith.
All the pieces are there to make an amazing future. Well...most of them. Cancer is holding a few pieces hostage at the moment...but we'll get them back. I have to believe that.
Believing that is what keeps me moving.
Puzzles aren't meant to be put together in a single moment.
Puzzles take time. Patience. Faith that we can do it.
And above all, the belief that there is a worthwhile final picture.
Sure, the final picture I imagine for our family requires a miracle...
But I believe the man upstairs is sorting those pieces into cohesive piles as we speak.
After all, he created the puzzle in the first place. I need to stop scrambling and have faith that he'll guide our family to the finished product.
One prayer at a time.
One piece at a time.