I was always looking FORWARD to something. When we have another baby. When we get a new house. When summer comes. When there is a cure for diabetes.
That changed sometime in my early thirties. I looked in the blue and amber eyes of my babies and realized that tomorrow doesn't matter as much as today does. My dreams for tomorrow are gleaned from my actions right at THIS moment. I realized I needed to take things one day at a time. Not one month, one year, or even one decade at a time. On the hard days, I've learned to take things one hour at a time. When ketones are present, or a stubborn low is looming...one minute at a time. I realized it isn't about the cure, or the newer things, or the weekend. It was about today.
My realization that today is more important than tomorrow didn't come in one moment, but rather many moments of making myself miserable waiting for when...
I thought I had learned that lesson, but now that Ryan has cancer, I'm back to WHEN, again.
When we hear these results...when we get the new meds...when he's off the old meds...when the scan reveals this...when when when.
It isn't a good place for my swelly brain.
(And don't think I haven't pondered the irony of my swelly brain vs. my husbands.)
I was driving to pick up the kids from school last week. Usually I listen to mindless semi-rap/pop/semi inappropriate music just to keep my brain in a safe place. Any music with a message...forget about it. I'm in a pool of tears. But on this day...I decided I was sick of stupid music and tuned into a local radio station that is well known for its family friendly music.
Damn you Miley Cyrus. Damn you.
Hit me like a TON OF BRICKS I tell you. Like the windows of heaven had opened and angels were singing directly to my heart. All the "stuff" I had been storing in the attic of my brain was let go, and only one thought permeated to my soul...
It's about the climb. Damn it.
There will always be another mountain I'll want to move. It will always be an uphill battle. I just have to keep my faith and concentrate on the climb.When we are in rocky terrain, we don't concentrate on the meadows ahead. We concentrate on the rocks that are right in front of us and we plan each step we take NOW carefully so that we can eventually get through this rough patch. If I just stand here and wait for the future, then I'm not progressing. I need to keep moving. I need to do something meaningful today.
No more waiting.No more...when.
Today is when.
We need to kiss our children today. Have a talk with them today telling them how proud we are. Approach that person today and have a conversation we have been putting off. Start those books. Let go of the anger. Get those family pictures, don't wait until we are skinnier. Go back to school. Start those quilts. Call our parents, or our sister or our brother. Clean our rooms.
Today is what I make of it. Life isn't going to be less crazy later. Life is always crazy. There will always be another mountain.
(I know, blah, she is the last person in the universe I thought I would be getting sage advice from...)
I don't know what the future holds for us. I have hope that it is wonderful. But today I will stop thinking about when, and start thinking about...Now. <------- Wow. If you really look at it, THAT is a pretty powerful word.