I'm standing still with my arms stretched out on either side of me.
I am holding two ropes. One in either hand. Each rope being pulled so my arms are taut.
On one side I have the pull of an army of friends and family. I have my faith and my hope.
On the other side I have despair. Fear. Pulled by a couple tiny thoughts. They are embarrassingly strong.
And as such. I stand here still.
Looking side to side it is a no brainer. Hope will win. I see the good on the hope side. The smiling faces full of love and prayer. Thousands of faces.
And on the other are pathetic thoughts that I let seep into my unconscious. Why do I allow it? Hope cannot win if I let the fear contend. I'm angry at myself for letting the fear become so strong.
It all seems so hopeless, being stuck in the middle.
One has to win.
And as I sit here now pondering the opposite forces that have taken over my life, it has occurred to me in this moment that I have all the power.
I can let go of either rope.
I can choose hope, or I can choose fear.
I choose hope.
I've chosen hope before, but it is amazingly clear to me now that I need to wake up every morning and make a NEW conscious decision to hope. Or to not.
THIS morning I choose to keep the faith that everything will be ok.
THIS morning I will choose to believe that there are bigger forces at work. Forces bigger than cancer.
THIS morning I choose to let go of the rope of fear and let the forces of hope propel me into their arms.
Hope is a choice. Faith is active. I can't sit here in limbo waiting time to pass. Waiting for answers.
I need get up and actively hope. Actively let go of fear.
TODAY I will. For me. For Ryan. For the boys. I am opening up my hand and letting go of that rope.
And tomorrow I will wake up and make that decision again. And the next day again.
And again and again and again. Until hope is all that is left...and there will no longer be need for the choice.
I can do it. I will do it.
It seems, there is no other choice.