Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Cancer.

I don't want to write this post. In my past life, I wouldn't have written it. But for some reason, I know that I have to. For some reason, Ryan and I know it is important that you all know what is going on.


So I will do what I always do. I will write. Whether I like it, or not.

Before I get to the crap of the matter, you should know that my husband is the most important person in my life. He is honestly in every capacity of the word...my "best friend." My boys are important to me, they are my heart and soul...but they will find their true loves one day, and in turn be complete as I am. Ryan is my person. He is so much better than me, and his love is my greatest treasure.

I have always known that what I have with Ryan is rare, and special.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think to myself how lucky I am to have him.

We are one.

So why this is happening to US, I do not know. I can only believe that there is a reason. There is a greater plan that my eyes can't see yet.

Ryan has cancer.

Or maybe, he still has cancer.

I didn't really write about it a few years ago, but Ryan had Melanoma. It was one mole that looked like a pencil eraser, and we only had it removed because it kinda grossed me out. It wasn't black or asymmetrical or anything when we had it removed. The doctor sent it into pathology, just to make sure it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. It was a big something.

Surgery and chemotherapy. It was a long haul, but we thought it was gone.

A few days ago we found out it isn't gone. In fact it is back in the form of 6 brain tumors, and multiple tumors in his lungs and abdomen. Metastasized melanoma. It's pretty much the worst kind of cancer there is.

But that is neither here nor there right now. Right now we are focused on moving forward and getting things done.

He begins whole brain radiation on Thursday. He will have this every day for a few weeks. He'll lose his hair and be tired, but we are hoping for lean side effects.

The next step will be more taxing. The original specimen of his cancer removed a few years ago is now being analyzed at UCSF. Depending on the mutation it has, we will form a medicine treatment plan. Chemo or immunotherapy. Both of the medicines that are on the table have been approved by the FDA in just the past couple months. We feel completely blessed, and don't feel it is an accident that we were diagnosed this moment in time. If we found out only months ago, these amazing therapies would not have been available.

Why am I telling you this? This is so personal, and usually this would be just too close to home to share with all of the world. But Ryan and I have the strongest impression that we need to share this with everyone. We NEED your prayers.

To be honest, we need a miracle.

We have set aside this Sunday, March 4th for fasting and prayer on Ryan's behalf. Our hope is that people all across the world, every denomination and belief, will pray for a miracle for Ryan. If you feel impressed, please ask your family and friends to participate. If you belong to any prayer groups, or if you have a close church family you can ask to join in, we would appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

God will provide. Let us bombard heaven with our pleas.

Facebook has already exploded with support. My inbox is full, My IM's are never ending, and my status updates are too numerous to keep up with.

Other D Mama friends have set up a facebook page for me. You can find it here. I'll post updates there. Please share the page with your family and friends. The more prayers the better. I can't help but feel deep down that this is true.

There is the craptastic truth. All of it. Uncensored.

How are we? We are on the roller coaster. We are laughing one minute, delirious with tears the next. But we FEEL the prayers. And our hope grows stronger by the minute.

Somehow we know we will be ok.

Somehow.

It won't be easy. But the craziness that lays in front of us will be worth it in the end. We stand ready to receive that miracle.

Pray friends. Just pray.

84 comments:

  1. Love and healing thoughts to you, Ryan, and your boys, Meri. You are in my thoughts.

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  2. Merri,

    I'm so sorry, and I want you to know that you have been such a support to me as I now have two children with type 1. Your posts lift me up and make me feel like I can keep pluggin along. I was in tears when I read your post, I want you to know that you will be in my prayers daily and especially on Sunday as we fast. I posted your blog on my facebook so that more people can help. I pray you and your family will have the comfort you stand in need of. Miracles happen everyday!

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  3. We will fast for you on Sunday~
    Lots of love

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  4. Job 9:10 He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

    Jill shared this verse with me earlier today, and it has been constantly cycling through my mind. We will form an army, and pray with confidence.

    May God bless the road ahead.

    We love you.

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  5. Oh Dear Meri and Ryan - I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through - for me I am a year after diagnosis and it is still so very hard to understand. I very rarely pray but I will now.
    Love Amanda

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  6. I reciently saw ur story on 1 of my diabetic support groups. I don't know you and you don't know me. I'm in iowa and ur in cali. But I'm always looking for some1 to pray for not as a charity case but bc its my duty as a christian. I felt the need to click on that story I saw posted and read it. Thank you dor sharing this for the world to see. Cancer and diabetes runs rampid in my family. I will pray for you and your family every day not just this Sunday. I hope all of this gives u strength from strangers that don't know you from adam! Thank u again you have. Certianly given this diabetic christian some hope to plug on!

    Much love and prayers from central iowa!
    Whitney harvey

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  7. I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through, or how you must be feeling, but I can say, without a doubt, that you have many many friends and supporters who are praying for you.

    Sending endless prayers, huge hugs, and lots of love your way.

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  8. There are no words. Just love, and lots of it. We are holding you all in our hearts.

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  9. What a load to bear. My heart hurts thinking about how difficult this must be for all of you, and I'm just a reader of your blog!

    You all are in my prayers, today, Sunday, and beyond.

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  10. We love you Meri. We are praying for Ryan and your whole famly.

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  11. I.Love.YOU...and your beautiful family. You are not alone friend. You are not alone. xo

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  12. Your family means so much to us here in the DOC...big prayers are being said and will continue to be said. We are one big family and know that you have so much love from those you've never even actually met. Thank you for sharing with us. XOXO

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  13. Meri
    Please know I've been praying since I first heard the news about Ryan. The verse Wendy shared is the verse I've been standing on for the last 24 hours. My oldest, Kayleigh, started a new mission of writing a Bible verse and putting it in her pocket each day. She had no idea about Ryan and when I asked her what was written on the paper, that was the verse! Our God is BIG. He is MIGHTY. He is MIRACULOUS! The Bible tells us to ask in Jesus' name and we shall receive. I'm asking for this miracle for Ryan. I'm demanding Satan to stand back so his body can be completely healed. The Word also says in Mark 16:18, if we lay hands on the sick they will recover. Lay your hands on him and tell Satan to back off and let God work his miracle! I'm dropping something in the mail for you so watch for it! I love ya girlie!!!!

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  14. So sorry to hear this Meri..We will be praying for you and your family and will also ask all those that we know to pray also! Love and prayers.. God is in control!!

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  15. I'm so sorry...I will be praying, my whole family will be praying for your husband and you and your family. I'll have the churches around here pray for him as well. I too believe, the more the better.

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  16. Meri, you are such an amazing person and I just know from reading your blog that your husband is equally incredible. What you have is so amazing and it's what's going to get Ryan through all of this. As long as he has hope and your love to cling to, he's got more than a fighting chance of triumphing. I'm adding my prayers to those bombarding Heaven right now and I've added all of you to our prayer list at church. Heaven will hear the voices of thousands begging for your miracle! Hang in there, dear woman, and if you need anything at all, we're all here to help in any way we can!

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  17. Endless prayers Meri...so many hearts are broken because of this news, he will hear us as we all stand as one. ((HUGS))

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  18. Sending our love and prayers to you and your family Meri. We're here for you, whatever you need.

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  19. I am sorry to hear you are fighting this battle. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Much love!

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  20. So sorry to read this Meri, I will join in the prayers on Sunday.

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  21. Meri,,,my heart goes out to you and Ryan!! Praying for a great miracle for you all!!! Lots of Love and prayers!! Your blog today gave me chill's in such an awesome way!!! Thanks for sharing I can't imagine how hard it is!!!

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  22. There is power in prayer! Praying!

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  23. Much love and prayers to you and Ryan, Meri. (((hugs)))

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  24. Every comment,
    Every reply,
    Every text,
    Every IM,
    Every phone call,
    Every shared link,
    Is a heart conversation He hears.
    May you be filled with the promise
    of His power to perform a miracle.

    Love you, Mmmmmmmeeeeeeerrrrrriiiiii.

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  25. My hearts breaking for you..my son had melinoma.age 40...and the love of my life his daddy has been diagnosed..2 surgerys have seemingly removed it..but they keep removing moles for biopsies..we live on egg shells but we live and are thankful for every day we have..our sons favorite saying was.." every day is a good day , some are just better than others " May GOD bless and keep you all..praying for a healing for Ryan Jane Lute

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  26. Oh, Meri. Words will never be enough... Praying for the best. We will pray + we will pray hard. Love + light to you all. xo, Tamara + fam

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  27. I'm praying so incredibly hard for you, yesterday, today, tomorrow ... every day! I've shared this story with my friends who are avid prayer warriors. You are being lifted up!

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  28. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Psalm 30:2 LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.

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  29. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. You don't know me I have been following your blog since my daughter was diagnosed. You are strong, I pray the blessings and strength you need will come your way. We will be fasting for you on Sunday.

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  30. Meri, I love you very much and I love Ryan and your boys. I'm praying hard, sending positive thoughts and healing vibes and telling everyone I can to do the same thing.
    LOVE YOU.

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  31. I've been thinking about you guys since I saw this on FB yesterday. We're all with you.

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  32. A diagnosis like that is unfortunate, but our thoughts are with you. May you draw upon the collective strength on the online community in your fight with cancer!

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  33. OMG, Meri - into every life, a little rain must fall. But why do some people seem to get a downpour?

    Please let us know if there's anything in the real world we can do for you. (Remember, I don't live far away)

    Much, much love from the 'Mine.

    Yours,
    Amy

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  34. I believe in miracles and the power of prayers. I will also add Ryan and your family to my prayers.

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  35. Praying and thinking of you all from Ohio.

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  36. I have had your name and Ryan's name written on my hand all day and I am asking God for a miracle. I've seen Him do it before and I'm begging for one now. You don't know me but I will be ifiting you up regardless. Godspeed dear lady! Lacey in NC

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the suggestion of using the back of your hand as a reminder. I'm getting out a sharpie now. Meri, God bless you all.

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  37. Praying here in WI and passing the request along - he will be lifted up in my Mom's prayer chain too.

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  38. I'll pray for Ryan. And for you and your kids. And for your extended family and your friends. Because this must be heart-wrenching for all of you.

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  39. I will be praying on Sunday (and before then as well) with all my heart. I will also light a white candle of healing in his honor this evening when I get home. My thoughts are with you, Ryan, and your boys during this troubling time.

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  40. You and your family are in my thoughts. Mario (Type 1) form Quebec city, Canada.

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  41. You're in our thoughts and prayers, Meri. So much love for you and your family.

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  42. i am glad that you wrote this post. i am glad you are reaching out to the community and beyond. with all the support you have from those you know and those who only know of you, i hope you can feel it. if i sit quietly enough, i can hear it buzzing over my house, headed to you from places far away. i hope it surrounds you and your family and lifts you up.

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  43. Praying for you and your family! <3

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  44. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers

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  45. You're an extraordinary family - if something extraordinary could happen to anyone, it would be you all. Praying for the best.

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  46. Matthew 19:26 And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, But with God all things are possible."

    Feel our love and our support wrapped around you. Praying with everything I've got! Love you Meri!!

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  47. Meri...today I cried in the library when I read this. We will join you in prayer and fasting this Sunday and I will add your family to the prayer list in our Temple. Heartfelt Hugs to you and your family.

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  48. Meri,

    I will pray and pray for a miracle. You are so brave to write this post. Thinking of you and your family every day.

    xoxoxo

    Gina

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  49. We will be fasting for you! Just know and remember that you are strong enough to handle this and Heavenly Father knows it. May His spirit be with you and your family. You are in our prayers. Remember you are loved!

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  50. Meri,
    My mind and heart has been with your family constantly since learning your news. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it. It makes me treasure what I have even the rawness of the things I hate about my life. I wish I could do something to help. I'll pray for god to wrap your family in his arms and give you strength.

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  51. Meri-

    I am sending thoughts adn prayers. The prayer warriors are out. I believe in God, miracles and the power of prayer. Hugs all the way from Indy.

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  52. Your family is such an inspiration to so many. I am heartbroken for all of you and praying for strength and healing for you all in the coming weeks/months. With God, all things are possible and I believe in MIRACLES!

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  53. Prayers are going strong here Meri! sending love...xoxo

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  54. Jesus heals. He gives us miracles every day. I pray your prayer for a miracle will be answered soon! Trust in His plan. God bless you all!

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  55. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and sending positive vibes your way. My best friend has, and I quote, "stated a mega prayer chain" at her church and at the Catholic school she teaches at. We love you, Meri.

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  56. I know you don't know me. i'm a long time lurker, just interested in learning more about D, and marveling at how cute your boys are. I guess it's been about a year since I first ran across here.
    but tonight, the tears are rolling down my strength. and I am praying with everything I have. Sending so much love to you and yours!

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  57. Strength, healing, love, and hope...all sent up in prayer for you, Ryan, and your family. Your words are beautiful Meri, your spirit is beautiful and miracles DO happen.

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  58. praying for you and your family, as well as the entire medical team he is working with. have a friend from church who had metasticized melanoma. she was told there wasn't much hope. she participated in a special chemo regiment with an oncologist who only deals with melanoma at Advocate Lutheran in Chicago and is now considered to be in remission (has been for a full year almost). They re-do the scans every few months still, but so far, she is still in the clear.

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  59. Meri, I am at a complete loss for words. Just know that I love you and will definitely be praying for you and your sweet family.

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  60. Meri, I cannot begin to know what you are feeling or how hard it must be for you to share but I thank you for sharing so that we too can pray with and for you and your family through this. You have been an amazing strength over the past few years since I found your blog.
    Know that this has been shared in Australia, Facebook & our Aussie T1 parents group. You are covered in a blanket of prayer at all times of the day and night. God is with you, and if He is for us, who can be against us?

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  61. I don't know you and I just recently found your blog when you left me some encouraging comments for diabetes. But I want you to know I hear you and I'm thinking of you all and I'll be saying lots of prayers for you all.

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  62. Meri, you have done so much for the DOC. You are our light when it's dark. You are our half full when it's half empty. If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know. But for now we will pray!! We believe in miracles and KNOW one is there for Ryan!! We love you!! PRAYING CONSTANTLY!!! So many (((HUGS)))!!!

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  63. Meri, I wish you and your family nothing but immense blessings, strength and protection. I've posted your story on my FB page and asked my friends to join in on Sunday. My mom has asked her pastor friend to have their church join in on Sunday, and shared the request with her local YMCA as well. This Sunday, I hope you can physically feel all of the prayer and good wishes coming your way.
    Lala

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  64. Jane (New Zealand)March 1, 2012 at 10:38 AM

    Absolutely Prayers from this side of the world on Sunday (and everyday) ...

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  65. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. I have to share this because I have heard of amazing results. http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/ Good luck and God bless!

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  66. I will pray for Ryan Sunday and ask my work mates to do the same... There are many of us; I work in a large firm. My aunt had melanoma -- almost the same scenario as your Ryan, many, many years ago. I will keep you all in my prayers daily. And I can't but hope that the miracle has arrived in the form of those two new experimental drugs. The fact that those drugs were released just before you discovered the melanoma had spread... It seems like a sign. Keep up your strength. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of all your boys. Stay strong.

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  67. The following was in an email I just got from my mom. She had passed the word along to her website guy for her business, who passed it along to his church.

    "If it provides any hope, I had a very good friend of the family who beat cancer once, then in a checkup a few months later, found that the cancer had metasticized into about 8 different places. Stage 4: brain, lymph nodes, organs, etc. That was almost 5 years ago and he's the picture of health right now. Miracles happen."

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  68. Meri,
    We just heard about Ryan and want you to know that we will be praying for a miracle and will join in fasting for you all. Stay strong! Love, Marc, Gayle, and Kellie

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  69. Meri,
    A friend of yours posted about you on my own blog http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/ where I write about melanoma and my own a great deal. More importantly, please, you and Ryan both, connect with me and an awesome melanoma community on the Facebook community page Melanoma Prayer Center. You both need support and different kinds of help. Your family of faith is GREAT, please hear me, but you'll benefit greatly from connecting with people who share your journey because it's our journey too.
    Grace and peace,
    Rev. Carol Taylor, stage 3b
    Blessings and many prayers.

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  70. Meri, me again, sorry, but is Ryan under the care of a melanoma specialist? Oncologist and surgical oncologist? If not, that is absolutely vital because as you're learning, melanoma isn't like other cancers and other oncs just don't have the knowledge of the cutting edge treatments that are being developed. Prayers! You've been lifted up on MPC and your story shared.
    Grace and peace,
    Carol

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  71. Meri, your friend Rose reached out to me via my blog. I am 24 with stage III malignant melanoma. I will be praying for you and your family. Listen to Carol. She knows what she's talking about. :-)

    Best wishes,
    Chelsea
    Http://adventurewithmelanoma.blogspot.com

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  72. Meri, you all have our prayers and wishes.

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  73. I've been reading your blog from the beginning for the past few weeks (my son was diagnosed at age 4 in 1997) and finally came to this last post--just completely knocked the wind out of me. So many prayers being said for you and your family.

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  74. Hi Meri, I'm Becca, a stage III malignant melanoma warrior. Friends with Carol and Chelsea (above). I can't say I know anything about what you go through as the mother of a type 1 diabetic, let alone having 3 of them, but I know what it's like having this cancer now for the past year. I can and will pray daily for a miracle for your family. You've got the diabetic community on your side already, it seems, and now you'll have the melanoma community as well. That's lots of prayers!! Hang in there...

    Becca
    http://www.itsonlymelanoma.blogspot.com/

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  75. Meri, I am spending today in prayer and hope for you and your family. Lotsa love to you guys! We're pulling for you all!

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  76. Meri, I am sending tefilos (prayers) for you and your family. Sending so much love and hope to you guys! I have only positive thoughts, and am thinking only positive things today about Ryan. We are pulling for you, davening for you (sorry that I keep flipping back to Hebrew!)/ praying for you, and will continue to pray for you, Ryan, and the boys!!! Love, love, love, and lots of dHugs too!!!

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  77. Meri, you had me burst into tears while reading your story, because you' ve done so much for us diabetics! I think you are one of the bravest persons for posting your story. I hope Ryan gets well and I really believe that he deserves to be healed. I pray that God gives you strenght and keeps your boys safe. You are in my prayers tonight...you wouldn't mind if a christian orthodox from Greece is praying for you tonight, since God protects and looks after all people...You and your family are in our thoughts. I send you love and possitive thoughts, from this part of the world!

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  78. Sending you all love, peace, strength, hope, faith, healing and guidance for all those who are caring for Ryan... bless you all Meri during these most trying times.. you are in our hearts... God bless

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  79. Dearest Meri...I've been missing in action and just heard about your husband, Ryan. I am praying with all my might for a miracle to rid your husband of cancer. Believing, trusting, waiting, hoping...praying for all of you!

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  80. Ryan, Meri, and boys,
    I am praying for God’s grace for all of you during this difficult time. Your message about faith hits home for our family. We have traveled the road of cancer recently too. We quickly developed a much deeper level of faith. Our faith was strengthened through our trials and storms. It's amazing to feel God's presence so close when you so desperately need Him. May you feel the Lord's presence and love as you travel this new journey. Much love and many prayers!

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