Thursday, December 8, 2011

Yesterday, it flowed.

If I had a penny for every blog post I typed through tears...

well...

I'd have a lot of pennies.

I'm learning things about myself that I don't like. It's like there are these inner issues that lurk and then jump out to consume me at the most unlikely of moments.

Yesterday was one of those moments.

L called me from school 7 times between 8:30 and 11:50. He is starting this manic thing. He checks his sugars ALL the time for reasons I still don't 100% understand. He started out high the minute he walked into the classroom and gave himself extra insulin per the wizard on his pump. He called later to tell me he felt low, numerous times in fact. At one point he was 250 panicking that he would be low any minute. Snack time was in 15 minutes so I asked him to check again then and see what the number is before we treated.

"But by then I'll be like 105!" He says.

"That will be Ok." I say.

15 minutes later more drama. He calls to say he is 570. There is NO WAY he is 570. Wash your hands and check again...during which time he put down the phone and I heard an entire conversation between the nurse, (who comes 1 morning a week,) and the teacher about L and where he puts his test strips. He was given a sharps container by the nurse to put his strips in at the beginning of the year. He is throwing all his trash in there and tried to empty it out in the class garbage can today. I guess some of those strips made it onto the floor.

I'm cringing while I am listening to this. L shouldn't be touching that container. Why the long conversation...why not ask me to take care of it??? L forgot about me...I heard many conversations about class work and the handballs.

Finally I hear a beep and Luke exclaim, "SHOCKAPRISING!"

He picked up the phone to call me and realized I was still there.

He was not 570. He was 77.

He called three times after in the next 60 minutes. He was 75, then 71 and then 63. He was BESIDE himself that he wasn't going up. I told him to drink one more juice and to meet me in the office, I was coming to get him.

When I got to the office I looked at the secretary who was smirking. "Is he driving you crazy?" I asked.

"No." She says. "He asked for us to get him a juice box just in case."

I looked over at him and he was clutching a Capri Sun.

The other secretary brought up the test strips as they were deposited in a bag and brought back to the office with the words, Hazardous Waste written in sharpie. What was she supposed to do with the bag? I think this is the point that I lost it. The secretaries called in his teacher to discuss the strips and the L's speech therapist joined in for what made for good dramatic effect.

It is kinda all a blur but I think I went on a 20 minute rant about how L shouldn't be touching the sharps container, and that he should just tell me when it needs to be emptied and "I" will take care of it.

"Should he put the container in his backpack to bring home?" His teacher asked.

"No...again...he should never pick it up. I will take care of it!"

Then the conversation about L's day began and I could feel myself lifting off. Tears welled in my eyes as I spoke about L's constant calling and his worry about every number good or bad.

I remember them saying things like, "Maybe you should call his doctor." And, "do you want to take this conversation somewhere else, the other children in here are listening." "I'm sorry, I asked L to call," and "I thought he was just being responsible."

It wasn't so much what they said but the look on their faces. I must have been pretty wild eyed. They clearly thought I was losing it.

And looking back...I was.

Trying to sort through my feelings today I had an epiphany. I am a Closet Motherbetic. L's teacher last year made such a huge deal out of every little thing that happened that now I have this paranoia that this year's teacher is constantly judging... and sighing...and saying, "not again, L," too.

Every phone call yesterday killed me, not because of the actual calling...but because it was interfering with his classroom. I thought FOR SURE his teacher was exasperated with him, and me.

Turns out she wasn't. (Well...she may be now.)

I feel awful on so many levels I can't even get there emotionally.

I feel awful that the numbers are effecting L. Either physically or mentally.

I feel bad that I automatically assumed L's teacher was frustrated with him.

I feel awful that I want his diabetes to be quiet at school. Diabetes is never quiet. I'm pretty sure that I think the more distraction diabetes is...the more it reflects poorly on me as a mother.

OK, I'm more than pretty sure.

Letting others see into our world...letting others SEE the numbers....it kills me.

I can try my best all day long and those numbers won't always reflect that. I have so much guilt that I can't make them perfect. It is like a secret shame that I carry around with me. Inside I know I can't do better than my best. Logically I KNOW that. But emotionally...if I am honest...my best isn't the best I want it to be. I want to be best-er.

I know I am doing better than I think I am. The A1C's tell me so. But when my son calls with a 400...and his teacher is there in the background...well my world comes crashing down every time.

And usually I pretend it doesn't.

Until days like today come along and all my anger...all my sadness...all my guilt...all my pain gets brought to the surface.

And I cry hard.

I try so hard to make diabetes seem like no big deal around here.

And yet it is.

It really. Really. Really. Is.

Ebbs and flows...

Yesterday, it flowed.

18 comments:

  1. Oh Meri, what can I say to make it better? That you are awesome, that L will get a handle on it and it's just a phase, that you will get through this. I will say all that and more and throw a BIG hug from PA to CA. Love you my friend. Tomorrow is another day.

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  2. Oh Meri, I want to just run over there and hug you for so many reasons!

    Same same friend.

    We have been non. Stop low for a week. No reason. No matter what. And I feel the judgement through the calls, or the. "Why is he having a bad week?" Like its obvious to them I did something wrong. Rather than them realize his pancreas doesn't work!!

    You are doing an amazing job x3! No. Seriously. TIMES THREE.

    I hope today is a better day on. All fronts. (((Hugs)))

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  3. Sweet, sweet friend. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. You are doing a fantastic job. If people want to judge, let them. You keep doing what you're doing. Your boys are going to be fine!

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  4. Your post today reminded me of a time that I reacted wrongly to a situation because I felt like I was being judged. I have had people tell me I let my kids get away with too much. My reason being that I don't want to discipline until I know their blood sugar #. Well, one time when these certain people were over and my son was having a melt down I just looked at their faces and felt like I shouldn't be taking this from him. So I ended up being more rough with him that I wanted to be. I set him down on the stool harder than planned and then of course felt awful!! And then felt even worse when he actually checked and he was low. Never again will I let other people influence what i do with my kids in regards to their diabetes. I still cry over that day because of how terrible I feel for treating my son that way. No I didn't beat him nor will I ever, but I went against my better judgement to please someone else, someone who doesn't understand diabetes like I do; especially in regards to my boys. With telling you this story (of which I don't like to tell bc it makes me feel like a terrible mother)I want to illustrate the importance of not letting other people (the endocrin dr. not usually included in "people") influence your behavior or thinking when it comes to your boys and their diabetes and the way you take care of them. I think a mother knows best even though we make mistakes and always will. I think it is important to work with your husband and decide how you will do things and stick with it. And try as hard as you can not to be influenced by others or feel bad bc of what they "might" think. Meri, you are doing awesome! You inspire me and give me hope, thank you!

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  5. The reason I'm leaving you a comment is that I'm the Marketing coordinator for StageofLife.com, and I am looking for bloggers who might be interested in guest writing on our site. Our mission is to change the world one story at a time.

    Could we feature you? We work with talented writers and bloggers to build a network of stories, crossing all stages of life, that will help make the world a better place, and I think our readers would gain a lot from your life perspective.

    Go to www.stageoflife.com to explore what our site has to offer.

    Thank you in advance for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you if you are interested. My email is megan.colyer@stageoflife.com. Thanks!

    Megan

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  6. Awww, Meri. Crap. What a craptastic day. First of all, keep reminding yourself that you are doing great at a job where perfection is IMPOSSIBLE. For reals. Second- they may judge. But it's because they don't know. If they knew how hard it was and all te time and effort that goes into it and that we STILL see shitty numbers... They wouldn't judge. It's not their fault that they are clueless. But it still stings. Hazardous Waste? Test strips? I just throw them in the trash. I've got test strips in my classroom trash right now. Hell- I had POOP outside my classroom last week (long story- the joys of kindergarten!!). Now THAT is hazardous waste!!! Love you, friend. Some days are just craptacular! But YOU never are!

    It makes me sad that he is so worried about the numbers. I hate it when this disease interferes and messed with them- emotionally and physically. I know that's kind of a given. But it just really hurts a Mamas heart.

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  7. Same same Meri. Same same.

    I think the hardest part is that when the D drama ebbs, I seem to forget about how much it sucks when it flows. How absolutely horrible, clueless and failing. But I'm not failing, I'm doing my best - just like you are always doing your best. The only place to put it, is in the most capable hands we know: our heavenly Father's.

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  8. Meeerrrriiiiii!!!!!

    Oh my. Oh my. Shame....I got shame. I so totally understand every-single-word you just wrote. I always want Best-er too.

    The fear of lows is HORRIBLE, I was VERY fearful of lows in the beginning for myself. All it took was ONE bad low to ruin it for me, then all my skills of rationalizing which way blood sugars were going went out the window, and IM an ADULT! I know that you know this already, but that physical feeling when you are low and your heart starts to beat rapidly really produces a feeling of fear and panic, sometimes regardless of what your mind is telling you. Maybe its the physical feeling more than his mind freaking him out at this point? I always ask Maddison if she feels panicked when her heart races from a low...she says no....but that rapid heart rate ALWAYS puts ME into a panic feeling, even if Im not worried about the number so much. It can be as much physical as it is mental I think :(

    Im so sorry to hear you guys are going through this. No wise words of advice...just lots of hugs and prayers coming your way :)

    If stageoflife.com needs/wants anyone, it would/should be YOU. Good luck with all that, I hope you know your blog alone is a "peaceful" place of understanding where you make such a difference in so many people's lives with Diabetes!!! We love you Meri!!!!

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  9. i am sorry you had such a rough day. diabetes has a way of demanding attention at the most inopportune times. at the moments i really want D to be quiet, it has a royal fit.

    sigh.

    it's hard not to worry about what other people think. but i'm glad L's teacher seems ok with things. I hope today is going better!

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  10. You're amazing, and your boys are amazing. Don't be hard on yourself! I don't know how you all do it.
    Our 3 yr old was traumatized by a series of lows, too - every night, for weeks, he begged for milk or juice at bedtime, even when he was high - b/c we'd had sudden lows around then. It's tough - you guys handle everything incredibly well.

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  11. Ahhhh, Meri - I had a day like that...let me see...oh, yes - YESTERDAY! It seems that everybody want to look when your child checks their BG, even if they know nothing about it and then I feel the need to explain what is an "ok" number and how we respond...I don't know why I do this and I am working on it. Then yesterday Ethan shoved a pen into the top of the last bottle of insulin, money is tight right now, payday is tomorrow and we had to make a sight stretch one more day because he shoved an ink pen down through a just opened bottle of insulin. Just opened. URGH. Diabetes rarely takes a backseat around here, how I wish it would, but I find if we keep it along side us it doesn't dominate our world but for moments rather than days.
    You had your moment.
    Now it's time to get moving like you do :) You amaze me. I have no answers for L with all his checking in, however, I think like so many other things with parenting our children go through phases - maybe, just maybe, this is one of those moments. ((HUGS))

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  12. I know just how you feel sweet friend. All I can tell you is to read the comment you posted on my blog today. Read it out loud. I have 3 times! :)

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  13. Oh, honey, I am so sorry... I am crying right along with you, reading this... :( I could relate so much to that feeling of shame... it's in so may ways there, when it shouldn't be... and it can be so tough. Big hugs to you.

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  14. Ugh, those days when you just can't push it down and it has to spill over, they are rough indeed.
    Hoping that cry helped and that the manic-ness calms down.

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  15. Meri,
    The guilt thing … I struggle to keep my daughter's quarterly endo appointments because I feel so guilty I am not doing to a better job of gaining the upper hand on the horrid disease which afflicts her. You are so amazing with your boys care and then to hear you feel a similar guilt makes my journey easier. I hope the cry and the blog update were both cathartic and left you willing and able to resume the battle! Thank you so much for all that your share. Peace, Kathy

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  16. oh meri, i am sending you big big hugs. i'm sorry it all came down on you at once, but sometimes we have to crack to let the light in (i just mangled that quote, but there you go).

    do you read carey potash's blog as dlife? his son charlie went through a similar phase of obsessively testing, maybe his older posts can help you if you feel it's becoming an issue.

    big big love from ohio.

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  17. Meri, I am sooooo glad I just found your blog. (Daughter is type 1 diagnosed Thanksgiving 2008). I could so relate to everything you said in your post!!!! It almost made ME start to cry. On the other hand, it made me feel good to know I am not the only one with these same exact feelings.
    Thank you so much for posting/blogging. I needed this today.
    Have a great day!
    Paula

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