I took the time yesterday to read through many of last years posts. I have to say, I rode the roller coaster in 2011, and I rode it well. My ups were way up there, and my downs were way down there. I wish I could say I rode it with the intensity and excitement of a real thrill seeker, but shockaprisingly enough...I wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about it all as I should have been. I think I've finally made my way off the coaster for now. It only took 12 months...but the problem lies within the problem. Diabetes isn't going anywhere. As long as my boys are still effected, the roller coaster will rumble by soon enough and scoop me up, I am sure.
Strolling down Memory Lane brought back a mess of feelings I've been shoving down. I've learned a lot about myself scrolling through the pages of my life. I've chosen a sampling...a true showing of my heart this past year.
Take the ride with me.
January: I started the month Finding my way as the Unicorns fled. The very first week of 2011, L came and sat on my lap, put his two hands on either side of my cheek, looked me directly in the eye and said he wished there was a magic potion to make diabetes disappear.
"I’ve been doing my best to fake it until I make it. It helps a little. Pretending I’m not overwhelmed with my baby’s words has helped me function. But the seed remains. The helplessness remains. It haunts me that the only reason I’m okay with all this, is because my boys are OK with all this. If they are not OK…then my swelly brain will not be contained. It will seriously blow up."
Emotional also, was the Changing of the Guard. I ended the month giving up the alarm clock that my cousin Todd gave my husband and I for a wedding gift. Todd passed away just a few years after my wedding from an aneurysm at the tender age of 27.
"I had no idea how significant the gift of an alarm clock would be on my wedding day. On that day I didn’t know that there would be nights that I would be setting the alarm to go off every hour, on the hour. I didn’t know of Our Diabetic life, or the heartache and worry that was ahead of me. Our boys were just a twinkle in our eyes back then. I’m sure Todd had no idea either.
I know our family has been given guardian angels to watch over the boys. I know it. So it leaves me to wonder, has Todd taken the post? Is the alarm clock a symbol of his steadfast duty? I don’t know. But the thought of it makes me smile through these tears. God bless alarm clocks...
And God bless Guardian Angels."
February: The first real holiday of the year and I blew it. In, Valentines day: wherein...I get knocked down, I learn the hard way that I can't be in three places at the same time. But I also learn that on holidays, it is OK to let kids live the dream. One moment of eating all the candy out of their bag didn't change the axis of their A1C's.
"We get knocked down...ALL THE TIME! But you know what...we get back up again, every time. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. We ALWAYS get back up. And that is something..."
March: I struggled with The Blood Sugar Check/No Pain Enigma. How is it that my boys don't flinch when they check their sugars? They say it doesn't hurt. I checked my own sugar and SON OF A GUN! It really hurt!! The answer to the enigma was simple as it turned out.
"I asked J how he thought it was. How come it doesn't hurt? He said, “I’m awesome. That is the only answer.”
I’m going to stop wracking my brain over this one and go with that. My boys are just awesome."
April: I was lucky enough to attend the blogger summit given by Medtronic. It was a humbling experience. My advocacy heart grew three sizes that day...
"I was bone dry.
I entered the airport terminal like a weathered sponge who had sat in the sun for days. My body ached for relief.
I didn't know what to expect from the Medtronic Advocate Forum I was to attend. It was a complete unknown, and although I was scared to death of traveling alone for the first time...to see people I had only seen within the 17 inch parameters of my computer screen, I couldn't help but smirk to myself as I walked through the jetway to the airplane...
I was ready."
In April I also wrote Teeter. Totter. Breathe.
"I'm on a teeter totter.
Where will I wake up tomorrow? Will I be up? Will I be down? Will I be bracing myself in the middle?
Only tomorrow knows.
Too bad, the teeter totter isn't as fun as it looks.
I'd rather have both feet on the ground. I see people walk by me every day with their feet on the ground. I wonder if they know how lucky they are not to ride every day? I wonder if they have any idea how much I want to walk with my feet on the ground too?
I wonder if they even know I'm on the teeter totter?"
May: was the month of D Blog Week. I tackled the subject of my difference-ness in Ten Things I Can't Say to the Other Mothers.
"Sometimes I don't feel like I have a lot in common with the other moms. Sometimes when I pick up the boys, I just wish I could bust out with a little diabetes lingoed epiphany and get an AMEN from the peanut gallery. Sure, most of the time I can fake my normalcy and talk freely with the mothers in the hallway...but sadly, sometimes I'm just in another world with my thoughts."
June: I did not blog about a lot of things in Our Disneyland/Wally World Vacation.
"You might be thinkin' I have an entire post lined up about how L broke out into a Scarlet Fever rash THREE TIMES as worse than the others, hours before our departure...
Or maybe your hoping for the play by play of the previous hour, before his rash broke out, when L had his first swimming lesson with his NOT waterproof pump attached...
Or how we had to have a new pump sent to our hotel in Disneyland...
No...uh uh...I'm not writing about that.
I'm not even going to go into how we got the special assistance pass because I brought L with me to get it, and since he looked like he had leprosy...they started writing it out before I even explained why we needed it...
Maybe you're wondering if I'm going to write about all three boys jumping into the pool...with every one of them still wearing said un-waterproof pumps...
or about the fact that THAT led to yet ANOTHER pump being UPSed to Disney for us.
I'm not going to write about that...sorry."
July: I wrote my deepest feelings in, Diabetes is a Sailboat. My most viewed post of the year.
"But other days the storms come in out of nowhere. The black clouds close in and the numbers ebb and flow with the powerful tide. On those days, I watch my son ride those waves and I spend the day at my scope...determined to change the color of the clouds. If his boat capsized...I don't know what I would do.
Sure...he is above water. Sure...he is surviving. But on the stormier days his sea sickness weighs so heavy on my shoulders, I'm sure I am going to run out of strength, and one day drown into despair myself.
My son has grown up on his boat, and I am in awe every day of his constant vigilance, and his nimble control of his craft. He is an able captain now. He can hoist the sail, he can watch for the storm clouds. He can batten down the hatches. He can steer that boat away from immediate danger...he FEELS the sea. His intuition is inspiring.
Three boats I have set out to sea. It does not get easier. Every boat I have released has killed me a little bit inside. My husband and I live our lives on the shore waiting for storms, hoping for sun...watching each and every wave."
I kept the wave going in July with the Four Seasons to Diabetes.
"The winter days, those are the ones that are like sticky notes glued to our memories. The rain that falls from our tear ducts...the snow that chills our hearts to our blessings. There are the storms that toss the numbers around. There are the calms that lay before the storms that can give us a false sense of security. But during this time of year, most of us know...we KNOW...that when the calm is there, then it is time to lie in wait for the storm. Every day anticipating the winds to turn everything upside down."
August: I dared to pour out my feelings in the dead of night. In Finding My Fight at Midnight, I shared those haunting feelings of inadequacy that seem to haunt all of us during the early hours of the morning.
"The nighttime can be so cruel.
Devoid of light, my soul anguishes in my ineptitude.
Seeing two 400's staring back at me tonight didn't help things. In fact it began a tailspin that even I am worried I won't recover from.
In this nighttime all my hope is drowned away in pools of tears in my hands. All my positivity is enveloped in the black hole of my pity.
How is it ok that I am so completely responsible for my boys well being?
How is it ok that it is all on my shoulders?
Is this a cruel joke? Will my best ever be good enough?"
September: After a surprisingly pleasant endo visit I wrote A1C from A to Z to help me keep it all in perspective. I'm glad I went back to read it as we have appointments coming up in less than two weeks.
Ask yourself, "does this number define my worth?"
Be mindful that this number shows where you were, not where you are today.
Cast out the feelings of guilt and ineptitude.
Don't give up on yourself.
September also yielded There Are Some Things You Need to Know.
"You need to know that your child's blood sugars will never be 100% perfect all the time.
You need to know that you are stronger than you think you are.
You need to know that on the hardest of days, the fact that you don't give up counts for more than you know."
October: I let my mind go back to the simpler days in Remembering When my Middle Name was Ann.
"Today it feels like all the walls that I have built to protect me from my simpler past, are crumbling. I feel so vulnerable. The numbness is wearing off. I was able to keep myself numb to all the numbers for so long...and now it is like the doctor has turned off the anesthesia and I can FEEL. Every number burns. Every carb count FEELS like the most important decision of my life. The weight has returned and my back aches from the guilt."
November: I blogged every single live long day of this month. The one nearest to my heart is Dear 18 Year Old Me.
"You have worried about school tests, friendships and acne...but those worries don't even scratch the surface of the worry that will fill your entire being when your children are born.
They will be special. They will have needs that not many people will be able to comprehend. You will question if you are strong enough. You will question if your Heavenly Father truly knows how much you can handle...because there will be days he will give you ALL you can handle. Days when the heartache will feel like it will stop you heart at any moment.
But don't fear. Your children will be worth every sleepless night. Their resilience and their courage will inspire you to be better than you thought you could be. Stronger than you ever thought you would have to be. The refiners fire will mold the lives in your home into a true family."
December: I hold a lot of my feelings in sometimes..outside my blogger world anyway. And once in awhile that one day comes around when you just can't dam it all up anymore. In Yesterday it Flowed...the dam burst in typical Meri style...
"I can try my best all day long and those numbers won't always reflect that. I have so much guilt that I can't make them perfect. It is like a secret shame that I carry around with me. Inside I know I can't do better than my best. Logically I KNOW that. But emotionally...if I am honest...my best isn't the best I want it to be. I want to be best-er."
In 2012 I will endeavour to find the joy wherever and whenever I can. Reading through my thoughts I see loud and clear that I'm letting the guilt get the best of me. I am better than the guilt affords me. I will journey to set myself free. THAT is my New Year's Resolution.
I hope you'll continue to take this ride with me. This year will be much smoother...I'm sure of it!
Positive thinking people! POSITIVE THINKING!
Happy New Year!