Monday, May 23, 2011

Blooming a new perspective.

Saturday L came running into the house. Door flung open, feet barely touching the ground...in his hand, a small branch that had fallen from our tree in the front yard. He was excited to show me his discovery. He lifted the branch up to my eyes and pointed to the flowers. The most beautiful flowers. My husband followed behind me in awe, saying that he noticed after closer inspection that the tree was full of these flowers. They are practically hidden to the naked eye unless you put effort into finding them. L quickly grabbed a cup and filled it with water to preserve the precious gift he was bestowing upon me. (This picture, does them no justice.)



I ran out to the tree, and at first glance didn't see any of these flowers.



It took some adjusting of the eyes to get a glimpse of them nestled up in boughs of the tree.



It was quite a discovery for our family. For the rest of the day, every time we passed the flowers on the kitchen counter we would shake our head with wonder.

Fast forward to that evening. My sister in law dropped off the boys after our date night. They ran into the house like a ball of thunder, hugging my neck and kissing us goodnight.

L slipped into the living room and completed his nightly ritual. He closes all the blinds in the front of the house every night before bed. He ran in and hugged me again, gave me a butterfly kiss on the cheek, and ran to his room to get his pj's on.

An hour passed before my husband and I began to close up the house up for the night. Lawton was let out to "do his business," and Ryan headed to the boys' rooms to do the 10:00 check. I went to the front door to make sure it was secure for the night, and then casually looked around the living room.

I could see where L had stepped on the cushions to close the blinds. I saw his shoes laying in the middle of the floor, and his cars in a perfect circle surrounding a group of farm animals.

The most ordinary of evenings, the most ordinary view of our living room, brought the most extraordinary rush of feelings.

All of a sudden I began to cry.

All of a sudden I felt the twang of anger deep in my gut. I don't think my boys burden was ever so clear to me as it was at that moment. At that simple, stupid, nothing moment...I was furious.

"It isn't fair." I mumbled under my breath. I am Ok with all of this, but it is not ok that they are handcuffed to this disease forever. At that moment....everything was turned upside down. I can't remember ever feeling so livid, I'm sure if I was a lioness you would have heard me roar all the way to China. Such deep unconditional love for boys that are so sweet and smart, and fun...yet such anger for the lot placed before them in life.

For a moment, my throat was tight, as a scream sat in my tonsils waiting to be released.

I walked into the kitchen to get some water, tears streaming down my face...

And then I saw the flowers.

The image calmed me. I looked at the delicate petals and took a minute to reflect.

Maybe, just maybe...I was looking at this all wrong.

Maybe, I thought...their lives are like our tree.

Maybe I needed to look closer to see the beauty that lay before them.

I have to believe that there is a purpose to this madness.

I have to believe that in between the lines...or the branches of this diabetic life, good and beautiful things lie in wait for my boys.

I have to believe that diabetes is going to be an asset...that it is going to mold them into compassionate, empathetic, amazing human beings. That they are going to be stronger because of the experiences they will have...BECAUSE of this disease.

I have to believe all this or otherwise, I would probably explode from a lethal cocktail of fear and anger.

Looking at the flower, I realized I was looking at the "tree" so to speak, of our diabetic life, and not the fruits of the journey.

When you look at the big picture, sometimes you miss the details.



Like coal that is put under the pressure of the refiners fire, a diamond will emerge from their story.

There has to be good that will come of this.

There just has to be.

29 comments:

  1. Susan O'RourkeMay 23, 2011 at 8:48 AM

    Do I ever know what you are talking about. Wow- this is one of my favorites!

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  2. so beautifully put my dear. You are the lioness who will always protect her cubs. It is ok to roar once is a while, but taking a step back to enjoy the beauty in the little things is necessary sometimes. Hugs!

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  3. Awesome post! Definitely one of my favorites! Jen

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  4. Beautiful, unique, glorious hidden beauty.

    The ability to recognize that pit inside your soul, and then make a conscious decision about how to respond speaks volumes about the wise, mature, and graceful way you're traveling.

    I know there are days when the emotions feel overwhelming. I admire your ability to admit to them, even after all this time.

    Being able to pull yourself out of those moments to see the flowers blooming is one of the reasons you're a hero to me.

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  5. Beautiful post! Love the new hairdo too =)

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  6. This brought tears to my eyes that certainly did not need any more tears today.

    Thank you for being so positive. I needed it today. The past 6 weeks I have certainly had a lot of the "It's not fair" running through my head.

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  7. Beautiful post, Meri. I feel the same way. There has to be a reason for all this pain along the way. I am sure our kids will be better people because of Diabetes.

    Love the flower, the tree, and the thoughts brought on by it all.

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  8. I got all giddy and excited when I saw the flowers...we had those around the house where I grew up. Had to take a minute and 'go back there.'

    Such a great lesson...thanks, so much, for sharing it. It is so true that we can miss those flowers when the tree is the focus.

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  9. What a beautiful reflection Meri. I believe this with my very soul. There is good to come from all of this - strength, courage, compassion, love, empathy, courage, so many to list. Your boys will grow into wonderful young men, fathers and grandfathers because of your strength and courage. You are one wonderful Mama and your boys are lucky, lucky boys, in every sense of the way.

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  10. Dang I hate it when you make me cry so early in the morning...

    Beautiful post Meri.

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  11. Thanks Meri - I loved this.

    I firmly believe that when we get to heaven that God will take us on a video re-play of our lives. We will get to see exactly where He stuck His hand in to catch us, where He used us to support and encourage others, and where we will see the answers to the many times we ask "Why God, why?" I can't wait. But in the meantime, glimpses like yours into appreciating a beautiful detail in a bigger 'not so clear' picture is just a taste of the wonder and clarity that we will have then.

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  12. This reminds me of a favorite quote, "Bloom where you're planted."
    Another great post, Meri!

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  13. It's a tulip tree. There's one outside my office right between the parking lot and door. I pass it twice (or more) a day and now I'll think of you.

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  14. I love this. I have moments that come from nowhere and I am so mad or sad or whatever... I try to find the beauty in it. Try. Doesn't always happen. I believe that there is a reason... I believe that it WILL be an asset for them... I believe in the beauty of that flower. Love to you, M!

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  15. OMGoodness, I am seeing a little bit of a common thread here tonight as I blog surf.

    I have a friend. She is my BFF. She suffers from depression...at times quite bad. She writes about it and talks to me about it a bit. Funny, one of her posts made me comment that "her" the "person" has been molded and formed, in part, due to her hardship. I wondered if we would even be BFFs without the influence of her depression...as she would not be the same person that I have fallen in love with. I think this is so true for all of us in this life Meri. Our "thing", our "struggle" may differ...but in the end it helps mold who we are.

    Meri=My Hero Always

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  16. What an awesome post. What beautiful thoughts, and you are a wonderful writer! : )
    You are right. I look at my daughter and often think she IS the way she is because of diabetes. I promise there's some good, even if we don't see it today. : ) hugs to you, Holly

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  17. Oh, Meri. Simply beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. <3

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  18. Beautiful post Meri!
    It's definitely hard to see the good in all of this...but if we look closely I know it's there. I have to believe that our children were chosen to face this challenge (T1) for a reason. I also stronly believe that the challenges they endure are helping to mold them into some of the most wonderful, kind and caring people.

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  19. This is was me tonight. Thank you for this post. Beautiful as always.

    I tell you God knew what he was doing when he gave you those boys..so blessed they are...as are you!!

    Xoxo

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  20. A beautiful post from a committed mother! I have T1 (20yrs this summer) and have 4 young children. While pregnant, I went to more appt's than I ever thought possible - 3/wk (2 NST's and 1 OB). In the midst of my 3rd pregnancy, I was huge and tired and crabby! I prayed before my appt for strength because I was not in a good place mentally. As I sat down for my NST (non-stress test), I heard the same heartbeat I had for weeks before. Somehow, that day, the gift of diabetes was so clear in my heart. I had the privledge of sitting down twice weekly to hear my baby's heartbeat and feel his movements. This was a gift that not many other mothers would ever receive. Each pregnancy, because of diabetes, I received a simple but amazing gift - quiet time alone with my baby with the beat of his heart in my ear. Between syringes and
    A1C's, I was given a gift that lives in my heart today. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Meri - it made me remember those quiet appt's.

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  21. This post made me cry! I admit that sometimes as a PWD I get really angry and want to scream. But as a mom, I thank God everytime that it WAS me and not one of my boys. I would feel exactly as you do! But they will be stronger men because of your love and dedication. That will influence their future more than D ever could!!

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  22. I am right there with you, waiting for the beautiful thing that HAS to emerge from this terrible disease. I think maybe it is a lot of small beautiful things along the way. Some days that is very hard to handle.
    Maybe it is the season, but I have been having an especially hard time with diabetes related emotions lately.

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  23. I have felt much the same way sometimes, angry, not understanding why diabetes had to be my "friend" for always. I always remind myself though, there is a reason for it and clearly something I need to become...because of diabetes, and it makes me grateful!

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  24. The flowers are beautiful, but you are gorgeous. Inside and out, Miss Meeeeeeeeerrrrrriii. You plant seeds of hope and encouragement in all of us every post you write. I am blooming with knowledge and compassion thanks to you. You SO get it. Thank you

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  25. Those moments in the dark when we get choked up do seem to hit us out of nowhere and hit hard, I know. I know that there will be good from this...I have to believe it. I have to believe that there is some sense of it all and not for me, but for them - for TJ for Isaac, for your boys, for all the beautiful children who have type 1 diabetes. I can not loose the hope that there is more and although we can not see it surely it is there.
    I do know that for TJ he is the man he is because of diabetes...not that he'd be less of who he is without it, but some of the most amazing qualities about him are intensified by d, his ability to make anybody laugh - even when in a hospital bed with horrible news, his ability to know what it feels like to have your body not feeling like your own, the empathy and sympathy he has, the communication skills to actually tell me how he feels...I could go on and on. But really it was a part of what drew me to him, he never used it as a crutch but the way it highlighted his inner beauty was infallible. He is amazing.
    So, anyhow...I want you to know I've been thinking about this post and you. I hope today is great and you're hanging onto your secret of love :)

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  26. A lovely story. I often feel the frustration and unfairness of having T1 and the complications my dad suffered from T1. It can be infuriating. And then there are times when I feel healthier because of it. I have a healthy diet and weight and I feel in control of my health (most of the time). I think if I wasn't diagnosed with diabetes I might eat poorly and be overweight. I didn't have diabetes as a child, so I don't presume to know the many challenges that come with it, but as an adult, life feels pretty good.

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  27. what a beautiful post. what a blessing to read this afternoon while im trying to get my head around my sons 'future' and the role I will play, that diabetes will play. there has to be that beleif in the blessings that will come. for all of us. not angerness or bitterness or confusion. but a beleif that all things will work out for the best.

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  28. I am re-reading this one, Meri, as I sit and wait on a 465 bg. I am letting your last line sink in for me, "Like coal that is put under the pressure of the refiners fire, a diamond will emerge from their story.

    There has to be good that will come of this.

    There just has to be."
    Thank you!!

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