Thursday, January 6, 2011

Finding my way as the unicorns flee.

So I’m flying through life. Walkin’, you know…strolling down the streets of Our Diabetic Life. There are bumps and there are cracks, but for the most part I’m able to keep a steady gait.

The holidays come and I get in my appreciative and sappy mode. I’m all about counting my blessings and living in the moment…seeing all the wonderfulness I have in front of me…

When one day L walks in, sits on my lap and says…

“I wish there was a magic potion to cure diabetes, I really really wish!”

But he doesn’t only say these words…he MEANS them. He utters them slowly, holding my face between his two sweet hands. He says it with conviction and with big crocodile tears in the corners of his eyes.

And I stop in my tracks.

'Hold the phone here…my baby isn’t OK right now.' My mind wandered back to the last few days. He had said something along the same lines every day that week, but this time he wanted me to really hear them.

Epiphany: No matter how OK I am with disease…No matter what I do to keep myself putting one foot in front of the other…no matter all the precautions I take to make diabetes “no big deal…” It all goes in the toilet if my boys are not OK.

I can be OK until the cows come home…but if it isn’t OK for them…if I see it affecting them…well, all bets are off.

And the tears come.

And I feel inadequate.

And the melancholy sets in.

That is where I have been. Sorting out these feelings I have.

It’s hard to stroll through my days with this underlying uneasiness.

I’ve been doing my best to fake it until I make it. It helps a little. Pretending I’m not overwhelmed with my baby’s words has helped me function. But the seed remains. The helplessness remains.

It haunts me that the only reason I’m okay with all this, is because my boys are OK with all this. If they are not OK…then my swelly brain will not be contained. It will seriously blow up.


I’ve watched L closely the last few days. L seems fine. He doesn’t complain. He is back to accepting his lot… and I am thankful he was able to share his angst with me. Our conversation seems to have eased his mind a bit. I think it helped him to know I wish there was a magic potion too. I told him even if a cure is never found, he will still accomplish great things in his life. I told him that diabetes will never hold him back from being awesome, and in fact diabetes has made him even more super awesome.

Regardless of the success of our exchange, the unicorns are jumping out the window and the rainbows are fading in the skyline. My peace has been disturbed. My joy has been waning, and my hope seems to be all I have left. I know I can move on from this hiccup, eventually. My days are a bit foggier than they usually are…but I can still see my way.

My theme for the new year is: One step at a time. One day…one step…I can do this…and most importantly…my boys can do this.


  1. ah man you did it once again I'm crying!! Great Post and thanks for sharing.

    Let L know that we are ALL WISHING FOR A MAGIC POTION!!

  2. Great post! Very touching and heartbreaking to say the least. You let L know that there are lots of us working every day for a cure!! Hugs!

  3. We will all take those steps with you..every day. Sending you love.

  4. So heartbreaking Meri! :( I'm sad for you, and heart is just broken knowing you are both having a hard time.

    Nothing that can really be said, except we all go through this from time to time and the rainbows may fade but always find thier way back after the storm. ((HUGS)) I hope this storm is quick to move on!

  5. Wonderful post!!
    I know how L feels and I wish I could reach out and tell him "I've been there dude!"
    And Meri, I want to thank you (and every parent in the DOC,) for sharing the parent POV and always allowing me to see what my own parents went through in the process!
    No matter how much we stumble or stop, one step at a time is what WE DO - Every, single, one of us!
    Kelly K

  6. You're so right. I'm only OK if she's OK. And when she's not...I feel like it just comes crashing down.

    I hope your sky gets brighter soon. In the meantime, just know that we're here. Always.

  7. Beautiful. As a grown up child with diabetes, I understand the "I don't wanna!" mentality. Sometimes you just don't wanna have diabetes anymore. You wanna kick and cry and scream. Other times, you're okay. You deal. You don't love having it, but you love life and you deal with it so you can have a life.
    I don't remember times like this as a child, but I'm sure my mother remembers them. Thanks for being a great D-momma. I promise it helps as you get older. Having great D-parents helped me deal with diabetes so much better as an adult.

  8. One step at a time, one minute at a time, one second. We carry on and we get through. And some of it will never be ok. But we are all in this together and some days, that is all that gets me through. I hope it is enough to get you through these days. Sending you my love. You are an awesome woman and awesome mother.

  9. unicorns jumped out about a week ago and the rainbows...well, I am looking for them.

    If "L" ever wants to talk to Joe I am sure Joe will let him know that Diabetes is a big fat diarrhea-y TURD....Joe's lingo, not mine. I stick with the four letter ones. lol.

    Meri. Meri. Meri. I think of you daily. Your grace and hope keep me afloat. We will all get through these times together. Ahhhh...I think I just saw a unicorn jump back in my window! WOOT. LOVE YOU.

  10. Hi Meri; Love your blog btw - my daughter Steph (now 19, dxd at 5 1/2) has times like "L's" too - it's very hard to stay positive and keep one foot in front of the other when you know how hard it is on them day in and day out. I'm sure you're just like me - wishing you could take it and have it instead of your kids - I would trade with my Steph any day of the week/year to take it away. So from one D mom to another - ((((Hugs))))) - you're doing a great job~ just keep putting that one foot in front of the other.

  11. WOW. Yup. I understand you. J understands L. And how I wish we didnt have this bond all of us. I want that potion too!

  12. Meri, your post had me thinking of the future... my future and my children's future. I am with you in your struggle. Your pain is my pain. And all of our children share the same pain. Same. In a world of unicorns and rainbows, I would love it if someday all of our children could meet, be there for each other and support each other. Not "virtually" meet, but stand face to face and share their stories. Your boys are lucky to have such a strong support structure in their lives. And I'm lucky to have found such an inspirational friend online.

  13. Hugs Meri. I know how your feelin :( Justin cried out the other day "why does this always happen to me?". He was upset because I made him stay inside for a bit after a 44. I wish I had a valid answer for him.

    Love ya girl!

  14. Ya know Meri...we have our great support systems in check and our blogs are a big part of it.
    Our kids have US as their great support system and every once in awhile they need to let it all out the way we need to at times also. Heartwrenching as it is, we're strong mostly for them, and when those times come that we both reveal to each other our fears and weaknesses...those are great times, because we then learn that we're in it together...really in it together.
    Strange to call it great times, I know, but if we didn't break down every so often I really feel that it is then that something is truly wrong. So my cyber friend, you are normal!
    But those unicorns won't get too far...we all have electric fences, right?

  15. Oh, Meri! I'm sending big hugs to both you and L! I know it doesn't help much when you're in the "no rainbows" zone, but those times never last for long. Every now and then, every diabetic has a low point and feels some anger and frustration with the disease. Best way I've found of dealing with it...indulge a little bit, regardless of diabetes, and then I feel like I can get myself back on track. I hope these doldrums don't last long for you and your boys and then you can all get back to the joy and beauty and grace of everyday-diabetic life! In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you!

  16. wonderful post meri. it is through them that we gain our strength or feel our weaknesses... all we have is right now and that one step is the most important..

  17. My unicorns escaped, too. Right about when she asked if she could have a sleepover when she didn't have diabetes anymore. I'm thinking of getting an invisible fence to keep them in.

    Great post, my friend.

  18. Loved this post. Your boys will be just fine and so will you. Happy New Year!

  19. thank you for posting this! It is hard for me sometimes to understand what D-moms go through (or really any type 3) because as the diabetic, I only get to see my side of the story...I have written about this before wondering and worrying about the effect MY diabetes has on my loved ones...

    L is awesome! (and so are your other 3) he blessed me with encouraging words when I had that low on the Golden Gate Bridge and I <3 the little booger for that!

    He's so much stronger than me and you are a big reason why he is as awesomtastic as he is!

    You rock, Meri! NEVER forget that

  20. ((hugs)) You my friend were the first person to come along and show me that there are rainbows and unicorns again after dx. Your strength and perseverance has given me strength. I think about you daily. You will get through this hiccup with the same grace you always do. It is ok though to not be ok for a moment while you find your bearing again. I am holding your arms up through prayer (kind of like Aaron and Hur did for Moses see Exodus 17:12) Much love to you and your beautiful family!

  21. I just want to thank you for this post today! It really hit home. My daughter is 12 and has had type 1 for 2 years now. Yesterday we had one of those great days of either high or low. When she came to me and said "I hate my life"! My world just came crashing down, I gave her some time to calm down (so she would listen to me)and we talked. Then I opened my e-mail this morning and thought what timing. Thank you for being here, now I can wipe away the tears and move on!

  22. Pooey. They are all usually so strong and that makes it easier for everyone but they are so entitled to wish for magical potions. I hope his and therefore your spirit continues to lift a little.


  23. Thank you for posting this.. It helps me understand what my mom went through when I was little. I didn't have those episodes very often, not to her at least. But, seeing how it affects you makes me wish I'd not shown her how it affected me, regardless of how random those episodes happened. I don't like it when my mother feels sad or any of the ways you described yourself feeling.. I'm sure "L" will be fine, because I'm 19 now, and I still push forward.
    Just continue being the awesome SuperMom that all your sons believe you to be. That's all that matters. :) Things will get better.

  24. Awww Meri...((hugs)) I hate it when the little one says it exactly how it is and you can't "make something up" to get through it. Ellie has made a few comments that have completely shut me down for a few...Too much reality for such little bodies. ((hugs, hugs, hugs))

  25. Meri-

    This is beautiful! I have days like this in my own D care too. Your boys are so lucky to have a mom as awesome as you! One day, they'll thank you for all you do.

  26. Meri, I agree with Pam. I want us all to get together so we can look each other in the eye and have that wonderful moment of silent 'knowing'.

    We are all on this path together, and that is what keeps us stepping one foot in front of the other. Somedays we lead, somedays we are in the middle of the pack, and other we are just trying to clear the tears away so we can keep up with the last footprint in front of us.

    Thank you for sharing the WHOLE story . . . that the unicorns do leave and the rainbow will sometimes fade, but they DO exhist.

    Love ya lady!

    Choosing 'Joy' in 2011, Amy

  27. Meri, I think your stinkin unicorns made it all the way over here to Ohio....But don't worry, I caught the whole lot of them and am shipping them back. Shame on them, trying to escape and leave my friend Meri in the dust.

    I can't tell you how blessed I feel to know you and how VERY lucky your boys are to have you:)


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