A few days ago my husband got out the calendar and his computer. He asked me to confirm the dates he was taking for vacation next year.
No big deal right? Except we already did that over a week ago. We sat and confirmed dates and he typed things up in his computer like he was sending it to his boss toot sweet.
Apparently he didn't, and as a result I got pretty annoyed. We already did this. Doing things twice messes with my tolerance levels. We went over this and I was figuratively able to take that weight off my shoulders. It was done. Finding out that it actually wasn't done...puts that load back on my shoulders. Yeah...me no likey.
Why do I get annoyed over the smallest of things sometimes? Usually things roll off my back no problem, but sometimes...it is the littlest of things that make the tears flow. My mind wandered back to a post I did in February. It was true then...and it is oh so true now:
The other day we were leaving to go to my in-laws for a nice dinner. As I was grabbing the keys to go out the door, my husband says,
“Oh yeah, I forgot, the bench in your car is broken, we’ll have to take 2 cars.”
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? That is how you tell me…’by the way, the bench is broken’??”
“It’s not a big deal,” he says…”It is still under warranty.’
“No big deal? No big deal? (Yeah, I repeat myself when I am in disbelief.) Do you have any idea how that is going to affect my life for the next week?? It means HOURS at a dealership, of which I’m not sure even exists, (we have a Saturn,) where they will tell me they have to “order” a part, which means a return trip to the dealership for hours of waiting! Not to forget, I NEED those seats to carpool kids!”
My husband looked at me like I was nuts. I don’t blame him. I was on the verge of a breakdown.
This is where I looked down at a spoon that was in my hand that must have magically appeared, because I don’t remember how it got there…
And I threw it into the sink.
Where it made a HUGE KERPLUNK because our sink is stainless steel.
My husband was baffled…(wherein lies the proof that men are COMPLETELY different than women.)
As we sat in silence driving to my in-laws I turned to my husband.
“You know why I’m crazy? You want to know why little things like a broken bench throw me for a loop? I live on the edge of a cliff. My toes are hanging over the edge of that cliff. The broken bench didn’t put me there…I’m ALREADY there. You could throw a feather at me, and that is all it would take to fling me over that edge. The LITTLEST of things can tip me over. So that broken bench, was like a Karate chop to my back. A girl can only stay stable for so long. A girl can only keep her balance on the edge if she doesn’t have things belting her on the back of the head to throw her over. I’ve spent my life on this ledge. Sometimes it’s sunny and calm, but most days it’s windy, and I have a hard time keeping my footing. Do not throw things at me while I am on the ledge! Okay?”
My husband nodded. He made a comment that let me know he understood what I was saying. He winked at me and gave me the smile. The smile that always puts me right again.
And when we got to my in laws, my sweet husband fixed the bench on his own. And he saved me from a week of “extra stress.”
Sometimes I close my eyes, and live my life pretending I don’t live on that ledge. I pretend all is fine and my life is as normal as all get out. But then something small happens and I lose it. And I’m forced to open my eyes and see where I live emotionally.
That is why little things break us. We are like sticks, bent to the breaking point. We live everyday with tension on each end. All it takes is a small amount of pressure to break that stick.
SO ya, I WILL throw a spoon when the bench breaks.
I will cry when I read posts about Oprah and Dr. Oz fricking up the worlds view on Diabetes.
(I will get annoyed when I have to do things twice.)
I will crumble when small things get thrown my way.
Because I am there…on the cliff…living every day on the edge. It is a perilous place to be, but if I’m able to keep my footing, and dare to look up from my toes that cling to the rocky cliff…I can actually take in the view…
And it is breathtaking.