You know that saying…”Sometimes your best isn’t good enough?”
Well in my life I often feel like…”Most of the time, my best isn’t good enough.”
I fail a lot.
In my eyes anyway.
It’s hard to fail ALL the time. It wears on me. It is overwhelming. Every time the boy’s blood sugars are not in range, I feel like I fail. It’s a ding to my armor…and my armor is seriously unrecognizable these days friends…it’s hanging on by a thread so to speak.
But, I walk around like my armor is all shiny and dent free…I can pretend anything away these days. A number will pop up…and I say, “It is what it is…let’s fix it and move on!” But on the inside I’m bracing for the new armor ding. Sometimes it comes as soon as I see the number…sometimes it comes in the shower when I am alone and can cry it out.
But here is the thing. Even though I feel like I fail all the live-long day…I look at my boys and I wonder, “How are they not a big affirmation of my failure?" Because they don’t look like a failure raised them.
They are beautiful. And smart. They are healthy. And happy.
Practically perfect in every way.
How can I fail so often and have such happy, well adjusted boys?
Maybe because my failures aren’t really failures? (Stay with me here…I’m trying to work this all out in my ridiculously swelly achy brain.)
Maybe, maybe…my failures are really small victories. AHA! A high blood sugar! I stab it in the gut with insulin and bring it down as quickly as possible. That is a win, right? The high isn’t staying there for days or even hours on end, is it? I karate chop it in the neck…and move onto my next victim. AHA! A low blood sugar! I nurse it back to health with quick acting sugar and a pep talk that would rival any NBA coach. I fix it. Is that not a win?
Every time we fix a blood sugar, it is a victory.
I think we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Well at least I have. I think all those blood sugars that are just not right…and let’s face it there are a lot…may be our chance to kick diabetes arse.
Maybe I’m not a failure.
Maybe I’m a warrior.
A kick butt one…one that has a rockin bod and long flowy hair…like She-RA or something.
Maybe I start off losing these battles…but I always end up winning in the end. I win every dang one of them. EVERY TIME. Sure, sometimes the battle goes on for hours…but it is won eventually. And in the grand scheme of things…isn’t that a victory?
Persevering…not giving up?
I will NEVER give up!
I will fight to the end!
After all…only failures give up.
And for this warrior and all her warrior friends out there…giving up will never be an option.
It is time for the boys snack, and that means another sugar check....CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!