Tuesday, April 20, 2010

A post title without a swear word.

(I couldn't think of a title for this post that did not contain a swear word. So I am generically entering the above title to protect the meek and mild.)

If it were physically possible for a brain to explode from sheer anguish…

OR, if it wasn’t just a saying, but true to life that a heart could explode from worry…

Last night…

I would have been found on my living room floor in pieces.

Literally.

We haven’t had a night like that…I don’t know…ever.

We were on in a 400 story building going up on the diabetes elevator, and someone thought it would be funny to press EVERY button for EVERY floor. Blood sugars had to go up all night long. No matter what we did, we could not come down. We were stuck…and we didn’t even have any crappy elevator music to calm us down.

Let me just tell you…all three were out of whack. ALL. THREE. Even B. B is never out of whack! He is my predictable one. He is my safe diabetes place. And to throw it in my face more, he was the one in the worst shape last night too.

We did all the trouble shooting. We changed sets…we changed more sets. We did system checks…We tried everything except a new bottle of insulin.

WAIT! I’m sure you are all like, “Meri! Why on God’s green earth did you not open a new bottle of insulin???”

Because…we didn’t have any more. We were out. (See how easily I typed that...like OH, Silly! We just didn't HAVE anymore insulin! It is so absurd I can't even wrap my head around it.) We filled all the reservoirs the night before. That was the end of it. We had full reservoirs of insulin…insulin that apparently had lost its potency.

Does Kaiser have a 24 hour pharmacy open within a 100 mile radius of my home? No.

Is there ANY 24 hour pharmacy within 60 miles of my home? No.

Was I willing to pay full sticker price for a brand spankin new bottle of insulin? Yes.

Can you just buy insulin off the shelf? I don’t know. I never found a pharmacy that I could ask.

All I know is we rode the highway to hell last night, and it was every bit as wonderful as the Highways name implies.

After blousing EVERY KID at 10, 12, 1:30, 2, 2:45, 4:00 and 5:00…we finally got them all down to wake up at 79, 95, and 150. And when they woke up it was like nothing happened. They were honestly smiley, happy, energetic kids bouncing off the walls, ready for their day. I was going to keep them home, but they wanted to go. “Why?” They said, “We feel fine!” So they get to go, and if they call me with high numbers at snack recess…it is straight home. By then I will have brand new insulin in my fridge and all will be right with the world again.

Just to put a cherry on top of all of this…last night my husband was supposed to wake up and go to work at 3:00am. I had fallen into bed at 2:45. His alarm went off for almost an hour and neither of us heard it. He woke up an hour late and in his haste, got a speeding ticket on the freeway.

Gee, could this day get any freakin better??? Best day ever for sure! :P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It has been years since I cried about diabetes. I really don’t let it get to me. It is self protection. Don’t let diabetes win. If there is a problem, fix it.

But last night…in its entirety, was cry-worthy. And I cried. Long and hard. Last night we had a storm come in…as I laid there in bed listening to the rain drops, clutching my Kleenex and hiccuping through my tears, for a moment, it felt like the earth was crying with me. Like all of the D mothers and fathers in the world were there with me…crying too.

Hating what this does to our children.

So I’m picking up the pieces of my exploded self and moving on. I will go to the pharmacy and get insulin. I will call my doctor and tell her I need a bigger prescription than what we are getting. We are down to the wire every month, and it isn’t ok. I will hug my husband even though I am furious we have a $400 ticket to pay. I will take Advil for my cry headache. And I will say my prayers, thanking the Lord that even after the worst of nights, my boys could run out the door this morning…vibrant and happy.

(Please excuse all the grammer and punctuation mistakes, I am writing this post on empty, it's a miracle I got down what I did.)

26 comments:

  1. Oh Meri, I am so, so sorry your night sucked like that. I don't know how you and your husband do it x3, but I am always amazed by you guys. We had the opposite problem last night... 46 at 10:00, and no amount of carbs would budge her. Until she woke up in the morning at 405. Today I am hating this $%&@*#!@ disease right alongside you.

    SUCK IT DIABETES!

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  2. Meri! Bless your heart! I will say prayers for you too. That is rough. What am I saying? Clearly I have no idea just how rough it is.

    I think you are wonderful. I watch the way you are a mother hen to all of us and take care of all these people you have never even really met. You encourage and support and make us laugh! You are amazing and I am so grateful to know you!

    May today be a better day!

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  3. Love you, Meri. I'm so sorry you had a CRAPPY night. I am always here to cry with you when you need a good cry and laugh with you when you need a good laugh.

    DO you want me to say POOOOOOOOP?

    See, you are totally laughing now - aren't you?

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  4. Geez louise! I have a hard time with one night and one kid.....

    sucks that you all went through that last night, but you're right...they're vibrant and happy today.
    That's because of a dedicated mom who has the strength and courage and stamina to take diabetes to the 12th round in the boxing ring and knock it out!!!
    Now go to your corner and get that well deserved rest! :)

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  5. (((HUGS))) Meri. Even Super-Moms get to cry.
    Scratch that... Super Moms like you DESERVE a good cry now and then.
    You are amazing, my friend.

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  6. It always amazes me how our kids just bounce back like nothing ever happened and it takes us days (and sometimes WAY longer) to recover. You are a survivor-make that conqueror Meri and your boys thrive because of it.
    I am thinking of you today and sending you some love.
    As for the speeding ticket- send that sucker to Kaiser- they should pay for it. If you didn't have to cut it that close on insulin this whole mess could have been averted.

    April

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  7. dear dear Meri
    Nights like that are the pits and throw all your strength and courage out of the window.
    we all feel your pain and frustration and cry buckets of tears with you. the dark of the night always makes things even worse cuz we cannot think!
    Running low on insulin is way way scary!

    kids are resilient and we can learn so much from them

    grab a cuppa tea and a big bar of chocolate
    hugs

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  8. Oh my friend - my night and day look like nothing compared to you.

    I feel for you in every way.

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  9. I'm so sorry that you had such a tough night with the boys numbers Meri :( Sometimes diabetes can come out of nowhere and try to give us a smackdown, but it sounds to me like the supermom that you are was not ready to give up the fight!

    I'm glad that the boys woke up with wonderful numbers and in great spirits, that is a testament to you as their mom. You do the hard work for them so they can live the best life that they deserve. HUGS to you my new friend! I hope you get some well deserved rest today.

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  10. Holy Shit (I mean shoot)!!!

    I am so sorry Meri. You should insist that your doctor writes the script for more. Thats BS that you cant refill insulin before your last bottle is gone. Its not like your snortin it!!!

    I am glad they were happy campers this morning... that way you could get some rest.

    AND $400... HOLY SHIT (I meant shit that time)!!! That sounds like a Lora kind of ticket. Those sting a bit.

    (((hugs))) my friend ~

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  11. I can only IMAGINE Meri!! YIKES!!!

    I personally think Diabetes gets us down, if we acknowledge that feeling or not. No harm in being angry. No harm in crying it out. It only makes us stronger for tomorrows FIGHT.

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  12. I KNEW I should of sent you that extra insulin!!!
    Sorry you had such a crappy night. I know how defeated I feel with just one child out of wack all night I can not even imagine 3!!!
    Hopefully your hubby can talk the judge into reducing that ticket!!!

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  13. Oh Meri. I am so sorry. I really, really, really hope your day has gone better and tonight proves uneventful. Thinking of you.

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  14. Sweet Meri ~ words cannot express how sad this makes me. Nights like that should be handed over to the endos...or then RN's since they are the true caregivers. Home visits should be mandatory for the endos.

    We've all cried over nights like that - whether it's one, two or three kiddos with the damn disease. As you've told me more than once, you're not alone - even though it feels like it at 4am.

    Hugs to you and those rascally boys - hopefully their guardian angels will have an easier night tonight.

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  15. Susan O'RourkeApril 20, 2010 at 3:35 PM

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call me ANYTIME of the day or night if you need insulin. I am less than 5 minutes away. PLEASE don't ever do that to yourself again.

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  16. Oh Meri, I have tears in my eyes for you as I read this-- what a night! ::hug:: I am praying that you had a good afternoon, no trouble at the pharmacy, and have a nice evening tonight.

    And Meri... you won. D didn't get you last night-- sure, it shook you up a bit, but the boys were all happy and fine this morning. You won. Take that, D!

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  17. Your post made me lose my breath for just a minute..Meri..big, big, big, gianormously big HUGS to you today. That sounds like the mother of all nights and I think we all would have been crying buckets right along with you. Here'e to a peaceful, restful night tonight filled with good numbers..You kicked ass last night like you always do...tonight you need rest so you can keep kicking more diabetes ass!

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  18. Oh Meri - I am so sorry about this debacle (see I didn't even swear and if you knew me you would know that that in and of itself is a rarity). This might just sucked. You got through it though and it was worth a good cry, wasn't it? You are such a good mom, and look at you now, getting up and on with it - getting more insulin, sending them to school. I applaud you and think you are terrific Meri. You do it all honestly.

    Hugs, hugs and more hugs from PA to CA.

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  19. I couldn't do it. You are amazing!

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  20. What's left to say???
    Let me sum it up....
    Holy Shit! (Shoot)
    You are amazing!
    You DESERVE to cry.
    You're doing a great job, and those 4 happy, healthy boys prove it!
    Speeding tickets suck.
    Poooooooop!
    SUCK IT D!!!

    Think I got it....
    Oh, and- ((hugs))) to you- all if you! Love you, sistah!

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  21. Oh MERI!!!

    That SUCKS the BIG ONE...and BTW I am totally cool with a Swear Word in the title...hehe. You know me.

    Love ya and yes, I was there crying with you in that rain storm. We are all in this together sister!!!

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  22. HUGS! HUGS!! AND MORE HUGS!!! I heart you. We had a crazy night last night too and it makes me wanna cry and scream and pull out my hair. You rock...always remember that.

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  23. Oh, what a night! I feel for you! I'm so impressed by your resilience. D knocked you down, but you stood up and are ready to fight again. Way to go, Meri!

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  24. Hey Meri,

    That sounds like one crazy night. I'm in awe of how you handled the situation, and I'm so happy that everyone made it out of the storm okay.

    I found your blog while searching for unique and helpful content on diabetes. I think you could benefit from sharing your personal story to an audience of people seeking information on diabetes. Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network (HBN) is comprised of over 3,000 of the web's best health writers, including doctors, patient experts and people pursuing healthy living.


    For more information about joining, please visit http://www.wellsphere.com/health-blogger or email me at hua [at] wellsphere [dot] com.


    Best,

    Hua

    Director of Blogger Networks

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  25. You sure everyone wasn't just fighting off a bug? (that's my line when both my kids are high at the same time, assuming there is an agreement they didn't cheat somewhere.)

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