Translation: I understand I am crazy.
Yesterday, after my shower and the mandatory make-up regimen…I gave myself the final look in the mirror. You know, the one we do to size up the situation. The final check before we run out the door. Usually, I am satisfied with the final check. (I have really low standards,) and I start my day.
But yesterday, as I peered in for a looksie, all I could think was, “Dang woman, you look like hell.”
Even after my regimen, I looked tired and gaunt. I chalked it up to maybe starting to catch the cold the boys have…but as I ran out the door, and did another check in the entryway mirror (hoping the results would look better with more natural light,) I was startled that I was in such bad shape.
I added a little more makeup…trust me when I tell ya, it didn’t change things.
The bags under my eyes were there. The paleness was still there.
I thought about the last few months as I ran out the door. I was on my way to take the boys out of school to go to our tri-yearly endo appointment. I brain scanned over the past few months and knew that their A1C’s would be the best they had ever been. I had put in more effort than ever before. Inspired by my blogging community, I made changes and had a goal to keep the boys in the 100’s as much as possible. (which is stupid, because diabetes does what it wants,) But I was as vigilant as diabetes would allow me to be.
Hence the dark circles under my eyes.
It is exhausting just thinking about the last few months. I told my SIL as we drove up…I’m expecting amazing A1C’s, and at the same time, I fully expect to be disappointed.
Here was my theory:
No matter how hard you work, diabetes is going to do what it is going to do, so you need to find the place where diabetes is important…but not the only all encompassing thing in your life. I always felt, once you find a comfortable place, stay there. I don’t like obsessing about numbers. I don’t think it is healthy.
But the last couple months, I’ve been a bit obsessive. And I’m mentally, and it seems physically exhausted because of it.
Secretly I hoped that their A1C’s would be the same as last time, and I would prove my theory that I didn’t need to obsess. That I should go back to being super laid back about it all.
Their A1C’s were freakin’ amazing.
Which in an absolutely loony bin kind of way, depresses me to no end.
How will I be able to keep the momentum going?
Keeping them in that range meant fighting many more lows. Which I don’t like. Which I think is somewhat responsible for the life that was sucked out of me this last month. You can’t have a 6.5 A1C without fighting lows.
And we all know how low’s suck.
I need to find my balance.
I need to control without obsessing. (Is that even possible?)
I guess I’m just overwhelmed about the upcoming next few months. My boys had wonderful A1C’s this month, but it came at a cost. And I’m feeling guilty that I am even thinking about the toll it took on me. Because I’m just in charge of all of this for a short while…they are the ones that literally have to live as diabetics forever, (or until there is a cure, but good hell, who knows when that will happen.)
Anyway, I made some goals, and they are to:
* Not obsess.
* Adjust basals and ratios so they don’t have too many lows.
* Have J carb count himself…to give him freedom, and me a little more room in my brain.
* Make things like blousing before they eat routine.
* Take care of myself. (An example of this might be not eating to help myself get through emotionally.)
* Make sure the boys are happy and as self sufficient as they can be.
I know!! It’s like I’m asking for the moon!
I’m sure I’ll be more optimistic after I recover from the 4 hours at the endo yesterday. It's just, Fan-Freakin-Tastic A1C's should feel better than this, right?
Man, I got problems.