It's coming...I can feel it. The new school year tsunami of emotion. It happens every year, and the sad part is I am aware of it. I KNOW that the depression and overwhelmingness of diabetes is coming, and I don't stop it. I see it on the horizon and I anticipate its coming and washing over me.
Shhh...do you hear it? The wave will toss my life up and down and...I will let it happen.
Or can I stop it?
Every year I spend weeks convincing the teachers that all will be okay. But you know what I have decided? I won't do it this year. I am tired of babying them and reassuring them. I am tired of going on every single field trip because, "It will make them fell better." I am tired of getting frantic calls from the office because my child is 300.
I have thought long and hard and this year I have decided I will give them only the information they NEED to know. They do not need to know that my target for the boys at school is the 100's. All they need to know is if they are under 100 they need an extra snack. Everything above it the insulin can fix. A 360 is not an emergency. My boys call me at snack and at lunch. If a number pops up in between that isn't perfect, that is okay. They are growing boys, they WILL NOT have perfect numbers everyday.
I know my boys get the best care. I know my boys a1c's have been amazing. I know that we are only doing the best we can. I won't let them get me down. They can judge me if they want...but the truth is,...(wait until you hear this epiphany,) I don't even really know that they are judging me. It has occurred to me that maybe, all this feeling like a bad mom when the school calls, is all my own heads doing. I have told them in the past that I want the boys in the low 100's. Maybe it isn't their fault they freak out when a high number pops up.
Could the tsunami originate from me? Can I stop it? Can I change my perspective this year?
I opened a fortune cookie the other day, and it may hold the answer. It said...
"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."
Maybe there is another way to navigate these fierce winds...maybe I can steer clear of the tsunami...It won't be easy, but I can feel my sails adjusting as I write this and it feels good.